A lot has happened since my last post. A lot. And, amazingly, I'm doing OK. I'm on the verge of tears almost constantly, but I have amazing peace. I have decided NOT to walk away from my site after all. It's MY site. I built it from the ground up. Before I did this, we were just a buddy group that moved from one forum to the next - often because the site went paid. I did this so we - the group, not just I - could have a home. Our own domain. A place we wouldn't have to leave. A place we could always go to. Every time we had to move, we lost people. I didn't want that to happen anymore. I didn't want anyone to be left behind. Even if someone chooses to leave, they will always know where to find us. We're not going anywhere. And I am not going anywhere. It is my site. My e-baby. My blood, sweat, and tears. It is time away from my kids, my husband, my family. It is MY money that pays for the server. What was I thinking in wanting to go away? Well, I know - I wanted to keep the peace. I thought if I quietly disappeared, things would be OK. The person I've had a problem with can go on and enjoy the site - sometimes I think she needs the board more than I do. I suffered in silence for two years. I sucked it up and dealt with it. I tried not to let that stuff get to me. I guess it was just festering under the surface, though. Honestly, I don't even remember what caused this whole mess in the first place. I mean, I do remember the post. There was a post about kids' cartoons, and I felt she was being snarky - she felt I was being snarky. I think, honestly, I was just finally lashing out against what has been a long, hard problem for me. But, I don't know when it went from that to me saying I'm gone. Oh, I do know. My co-Admins and I decided to bring up the matter (in general terms) with our Staff. See what they thought. See if anyone else noticed me being picked on and bullied. The very first response to the question about this was in support of the individual in question. Something about that post made me feel like it was over. Forget it. If no one else saw what I did, no one would support me. No one would care how this person made me feel. So, I decided to leave. I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I KNEW that this issue was going to be explosive if I didn't. It exploded anyway. I'm going to spare the details, as it's really no one's business. But, I'm torn up. I'm so sad and so exhausted and so - I don't know how to say what I'm feeling.
I was afraid this would look like a personal vendetta. It's NOT. Despite my feeling bullied by this individual, I didn't want to see her get hurt. I didn't want to see her lose something that I know she needs. I am as torn up over this whole thing as anyone else involved.
Anyway, I have been starting to feel better. More at peace. More accepting of the way things are playing out. I can only control me. I cannot control someone's reaction or emotions. I cannot force someone to see things from my perspective. I can just pray - and hope God shows one of us something we hadn't seen before. So, that's what I'll do.
That said, now I get to the point - or at least the explanation of the title of this post! LOL DH and I took the kiddos out to Chili's for dinner tonight. We had a gift card to use, and he didn't feel like cooking. I can respect that - plus, we love Chili's. On the way there, we were listening to KLOVE. There were some good songs, but the best came on shortly before we got there.
I have loved this song ever since I first heard it - and it's in my playlist thingy toward the bottom of this page. (If you wanna listen to it here, make sure to pause the playlist thingy first.) As I listened tonight, I heard it anew. I heard it in a way I'd never heard it before. I knew it was for me. I knew it WAS me - no, not was, rather IS me. Every single word to this song rings true. Every single word. I am going to give in and let God do His thing. I thank Him for this song, as it has ministered to me in a way I've not experienced for quite some time.
And after you listen to this, scroll down and listen to the song Strong Tower by Kutless. That's the other song that really reaches me right now.
This morning I posted a prayer request for the last person on her way home. I posted about 7 a.m.-ish saying she was on her way home "now" and would everyone please pray for her safety and that she handles it OK (not a fan of flying in general). A few hours later, there's a "well, that's not exactly true - at least not at the time of Heather's post ..." Apparently the flight had been delayed. But, the wording just TICKED ME OFF. Did that line even NEED to be there? Couldn't it just have been, "well, the flight was delayed, and now they are en route" or something to that effect?
So, what did I do? I abused my power, so to speak. I deleted all posts prior to hers (a total of 3 posts, I believe) and just made hers the first part, removing the line about me being so out of it. It was either that or write some snarky, bitchy line about excusing me for my ignorance or some other smartass thing.
Why does this bug me so much? Well, this is not the first time I have felt like I'm losing out on time with my friends to this particular individual. To start with, I never invited her to FROGs. She invited herself. Yes, overall, she's an asset to FROGs. But, well, stuff like this makes me regret letting her in. This is the third friend from FROGs that I have painfully watched as she monopolized their time while I am unable to be part of it. She's housed two others at her home. It's great that she's so hospitable, but why not try to include me in as much as possible? I mean, really? If it wasn't for me, she never would have even heard of these people, let alone had the opportunity to spend so much time with them. Now, I will admit that one of the times was just the timing. Natalie was just a couple of weeks old, and I wasn't ready to be taking her out, so I didn't get much time. That's really no one's fault. But, still, I get to hear over and over again about all of these things that happened, conversations, etc. And once again, I'm not a part of any of it. I got to visit with each of my friends a little, but nothing like I'd want to.
Yes, I'm whining and complaining again. I'm sorry - especially since I know some of you know who and what I'm talking about - and if you didn't get to be here at all, you're probably resenting my feelings on this. Sorry. That's why I've been posting about this here and not on the board! ;-)
I'm not feeling as well as I did immediately following the ice cream last night - maybe it was ice cream-induced euphoria? LOL It probably didn't help that I had to see the local and my other friend posting last night - saying how much fun they're having, etc. Thanks. Rub it in. Once again, I'm left out - the story of my life. It feels like I was just a part of the weekend as a formality - I just happen to own/run the board and live where the get-together was held. I hope that wasn't true. And here my insecurity comes to the surface - I can't confidently say that wasn't the case. Especially not yesterday. But, whatever. I'll be sad, mope about it, etc. for a little while then move on. No biggie. Of course, I'm sure my activity at FROGs, outside techie stuff, will suffer. But, oh, well. I only seem to be missed if something's wrong on the techincal side, anyway. Wow, I'm just having one big pity party today, aren't I? Sorry to be a whiny ungrateful bitch today. I'm pathetic, aren't I?
I did get to take the kids out for ice cream with my friends. So I'm feeling a little better about it. But, no dinner together, as I'm not invited. Fine. No biggie. Somehow, I'm feeling a TON better just from hanging out together for a couple of hours - maybe that was all I needed. I dunno. So, if you read my pity party, thanks. I think it's time to call it quits - I think. (See how I feel tomorrow! LOL)
