Deep Thoughts

There is so much going on in my mind right now. I don't know where to begin. Oy! I hate when this happens. I don't have writer's block - I just can't keep up with the thoughts running through this head of mine! It'll probably take me all day to write this. Between interruptions (I love my kids) and my own distraction, it's inevitable. Plus, I gotta pay the bills today. We also need to go to Sam's Club today. DH is going to be gone to Texas for 30 days for work, so I want to stock up on stuff like diapers, TP, etc. He doesn't know this yet, but I'm sure he'll understand when I talk to him about it. More on the Texas stuff later, as I don't feel like talking about that yet.

Or do I? OK. That's the easy topic, so here it goes. DH works for the Army Corps of Engineers, and has the opportunity to deploy for 30 days to help with hurricane recovery efforts in Texas. He's done this twice before - after Hurricane Katrina in LA. The good thing is it's a TON of extra money, and we REALLY need that right now. He said it looks like it'll be 11-hour days with one day off every other week, plus there are two holidays in November for which he'll get holiday pay. Not to mention working over the weekends. This is the first time he'll be gone with me NOT being pregnant! LOL The first time he was gone about three months before Grant was born. The second time he was gone about five months before Natalie was born. But, this is the first time I'm not working. It'll be me and the kids, 24/7. Thank God for school, b/c without it Abby might end up dead (more on that later). But, that means I'll have to drop her off and pick her up - every day. That'll be a HUGE disruption to our usual routine, and will necessitate an entirely new routine. But, I know we'll be fine. It'll be hard - especially since I won't have work as time away - but I know we'll be OK. God wouldn't have given me all three kids if I couldn't handle them. Plus, I think this was somewhat of a Divine appointment. Thursday, I had told DH that if he had an opportunity to go on a 30-day deployment, I'm behind him. He had been thinking of doing one, too. Yesterday he got notification that they're looking for someone. Now he's just waiting for his tasker and travel orders. I pray it comes soon, b/c I want him back for my birthday - December 12! I'm not sure what we'll do about Thanksgiving, but we'll figure it out.

Now the tricky part begins. It all started when I checked out my page on MySpace yesterday. I only get there once every month or two, and yesterday was my first time in quite a while. There was a ton of stuff on there, and getting caught up was a time-consuming venture. I knew that going into it, though. But, when I get to the blog updates, well, the one right on top says "P broke up with me" and is posted by my sister. About a year ago, my sister moved 800+ miles to be with him, and he out of the blue breaks up with her. He basically told her that he woke up one day and didn't love her anymore. Right. Asshole. Oh, yeah, and about a month ago she renewed her lease for another year, which makes it that much harder for her to come home. She's all but said that's what she wants to do. :-( My other sister and I were talking about this last night, and we are going to try to help her find a way home. Her job is another consideration, but I have no doubt that she'd be able to transfer back to her previous location without a problem. For starters, they loved her there. Plus, I've been told they're losing half their employees to a new store that's opening up. So, I think she'd have no problem on the job front. She'd likely move back in with our parents, which means she wouldn't have to pay rent or utilities. So, if worse came to worst, she could live there while paying her lease where she's at now. But that might work in her favor - I'm sure her landlord doesn't want her apartment vacant for almost a year. So, perhaps things can be worked out in her favor. I hope so. I know she needs to be home now - I can tell. When I read her blog and talk to her, I can sense it. My poor sweet sister! :-(

The only bright side to this is that it appears to be working to bring my other sister and me closer than we've been in quite some time. She and I were up late IM'ing last night, and got to talk about all sorts of things. We discussed our other sister's situation and are planning to light a fire under her ass to get her to come home. After talking about that, we discussed other things that I'm glad we did. Very personal, very old things. Family stuff, which I'm not going to share here. Probably not ever. Stuff that personal stays on Vox, where I have full control over who gets to read it. Anyway, that talking was good for us. We've not done any really substantial talk in so long. We needed that. I feel much better about our relationship now.

The flip side, though, is that it made me wonder. Without going into too much detail, I will share some of my thoughts. We discussed family stuff, which I mentioned previously. Part of what we talked about was how neither of us remembers much of our childhood at all. It's like we've got amnesia or something. We were talking about what we did remember, and I'm now wondering if things were much worse than I remember. Did I block it all out? Do I need therapy? Do I want to dig all of this up? I really don't know. To some extent it bothers me not knowing about my childhood. You know those questions people sometimes ask, like "what's your first memory?" or "what's your favorite childhood memory" or pretty much anything along those lines. Am I more fucked up than I'd ever even considered? It could explain a lot ... but, again, do I even want to go there? Maybe it's better not knowing. I guess I have a lot to consider. It won't be now, as I'll be busy enough during DH's absence for the time being. Plus, we also have to look into the financial side. Will insurance cover this? If so, how much? Do we need a referral? If not, can we even afford it? I really hate that the financial picture has to limit this. If I need therapy, I should be able to get it. But whatever. I guess for now I'll just keep on with my considerations. There's a lot to think about and a lot to consider. I suppose I should do so on my knees, too. Pray for wisdom, discernment, etc.

So, in my ponderings, I have many things I wonder. Is healing possible if you don't even know what the injury is? I'm sure superficial healing can happen, but can true - complete - healing happen when there's no idea what's the cause of any pain? I just don't know. So, I guess I'll be in prayer about this. I really can see no other way to go about this. I'm just grateful that I have the Lord to help me discern the right way to approach this.

I am running out of things to say, so I'll just stop here. I'll likely post more about this down the road. If you read it all, thanks for reading! :-)

Oh FFS

I'm feeling a pull to Facebook. As if I need one more thing to be unable to keep up with online! GAAAAAH! But, I have so many friends who are there and NOT MySpace. Or are on both but never go to MySpace anymore b/c they have Facebook. Sigh.

I know, this is a petty vent, but hey. What are you gonna do?

One more vent. I can't believe I haven't mentioned this here before - I'm sure the lack of power last week is to blame! ;-) Anyway, we have recently had an issue on FROGs, and I'm shaken to the core by it! I can't believe how much it's affecting me. If I think on it too much, I get sick to my stomach, my throat feels tight, and I can feel my heart racing. So not good.

What happened? How did I know you'd ask? Here goes.

We have a member who recently returned to the board after being away for a while. After her return, she sent me a private message to explain her absence. At risk of pissing her off and chasing her away from FROGs for good, here's her message:

Hey Heather. I didn't want to post this on the board and make a issue of it, but I want you to know the main reason I haven't been around and the same reason I am kinda worried about coming back. One of my last posts was about how I felt like I was having a hard time connecting here and that I felt lost sometimes. Well...I recieived a email from someone and I was hurt to say the least. Basically they said that it was God's way of letting me know that FROGS wasn't to be my home and that maybe I would feel more comfortable somewhere else.At first I was just kinbda stunned and was trying to figure out what exactly that meant. But as time went on, I just got mad and decided to stay away for awhile.

I am not telling you this for any other reason than just to let you know why I disappeared. On a different note, it looks like there have been a lot of changes here in the past few months...it looks nice and you are doing a wonderful job!

I read this and INSTANTLY was angry beyond belief and grieved more than I'd have thought possible. How DARE someone on FROGs do that to a sister in Christ? HOW DARE SHE? Despite our best efforts, we could not get the individual who contacted me to reveal the offender. That ticks me off to no end. I understand that she wants it over and done with. She wants to move on. I get that. I also get that she has extended forgiveness and wants to walk in forgiveness. OK. But, why tell us if you don't want something made out of it? Seriously. This is a HUGE deal. So far as I'm concerned - so far, at least - it's the WORST offence to have occurred on FROGs!

And, in addition to being angry and disappointed that it happened, I feel betrayed - by both the offender and the sister who shared this with me. I don't think I should feel that way, but I do. I'm also afraid we'll never find out exactly what happened, and that worries me. I want to know who so I can talk with her and make sure she understands that it is NEVER to happen again. It's not about punishment or revenge or anything like that - it's trying to make sure EVERYONE on FROGs is safe! My biggest fear is that this individual will do this again.

I have so many thoughts and feelings on this, but I'm spent. I can't think clearly or find a way to write it out. So, I'm going to end this post for now. I just had to get some things off my chest.