Trying Not to Panic

I just received word from my husband that he has been officially accepted for grad school! It's something I know he's been wanting to do for quite some time, and he was finally able to get it worked out. His employer will pay for everything - including his salary while he's schooling. (Without that this wouldn't happen right now, as I'm not going back to work any time soon.)

Yes, I'm happy for him and proud of him. And, yes, I know it's a good thing and it's what needs to happen.

So, why the panic?

Because while he can do most of his work online, he is required to be on campus for at least one semester!

The school he has chosen (because of the program they offer) is 6 hours away from home.

Get it now?

Yup. And I thought his 30-day deployments were hard! Those will seem like nothing by this time next year! :-( I cannot imagine a full semester without him here! How am I going to get through it? Don't get me wrong, I know I will, but thinking about it just freaks me out right now. I was going to try to get off the Zoloft this year, but now I'm thinking maybe I'll wait. Yes, I know, it's a crutch, but with the prospect of going it alone for three months causing me near panic I don't know that I wanna fend for myself yet!

Again, I know this is what needs to happen now. I know he is following God's will by doing this. I know it's right. I know we'll be OK. But, man, does it scare me.

Plus, I can't believe I'm admitting it publicly, but there's also the fear of him being away at college for a semester - alone. Yes, I trust him - we wouldn't have recently celebrated our 11th anniversary if I didn't. But, I know sometimes people surprise you - and not in a good way.

I know that I just have to trust God. I will be prayerfully approaching the rest of this year. I need God to sustain me, but - more importantly - I also need God to be with my husband. I need Him to protect my husband in every possible way - spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, and anything else that might need protection. Please, my dear friends, pray with me! There is strength in numbers. God says so Himself! If you are praying with me, please comment so I know. It's always comforting to know when someone's joining me in praying for things like this!

Happy Hump Day!

Yes, I know, it's not Wednesday. But, it's still hump day - and, no, I'm not being dirty! LOL Today is the midway point of DH's absence. We've reached the hump - it's all downhill from here! :-) In some ways, it's energizing. In others, it's EXHAUSTING. But, I'm excited. Two weeks from TOMORROW, he comes HOME! :-) I'm so excited. It's odd, but I think I've missed him even more this time - which I so didn't expect. The other times I was pregnant, and I thought my hormones made it worse. But, perhaps this time it's b/c I don't work. It's me and the kids, day in and day out. Always. No breaks for me, unless right now counts, but even then I have to be ready in case I'm needed. I miss his companionship more than I have in the past. I'm sure our new situation accounts for that. But, I'm not complaining - especially with Thanksgiving being a few days away. My mom is coming out - and probably bringing my niece and nephew - so that'll keep us busy. Hopefully the time will FLY! Abby only has 2 and a half days of school. Part of me wishes she was off all week, but I know it's better NOT that way - we clash way too much! LOL

On a completely unrelated note, I decided I wanted a more seasonal template. So, I found a Christmas/winter one. It was so hard to choose! I again went with Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates - I just LOVE her stuff! She recently released her seasonal templates, so I decided to switch. She does an absolutely lovely job!

I have another post I want to write - about my faith. But, it'll have to wait until I'm not falling asleep at the keyboard! ;-) That said, I gotta get to sleep. I'll write more tomorrow.

Day 5

Seriously? Only? We have 25 days still to go? Man, this time is creeping by slowly!

I had a ton I wanted to say about an hour or so ago, but - of course - could not get here to write until now. So, I've lost most of it. But, as I type, Grant is supposed to be lying down on the couch. He and Abby AGAIN were bouncing off the walls a little while ago. This is deja-vu, as Sunday night was like this. Why is it only school nights when they pull this shit? I love my kids ... I love my kids ... I love my kids.

OK. The boy is now in bed. Heads will roll, should they start screwing around again tonight!

Today wasn't nearly as bad as the weekend was. Thank God Abby had school yesterday! It'll be a lifesaver this time around, I am quite certain! Poor kid is having a bit of a hard time with her daddy gone, so I'm trying not to be too rough on her. But, I'm also not going to cut her too much slack. You know kids - you give 'em an inch ...

I have so much to do right now it's not funny. I don't like being the only person around to do stuff. But I think that's the lazy side of me. The other side of me thrives under these circumstances. It's fulfilling to get everything done that needs to be done. Even stupid things like taking out the trash. Of course, that could be in part b/c I finally get an opportunity to get rid of a bunch of crap DH had been letting pile up in the garage! But, that was yesterday. Today I have dishes - again. Thankfully, we have a dishwasher, so that means I need to empty, load, and start it up. Not too bad - not even when it's on a daily basis. But, I'll do it tomorrow. (LOL No, I'm not going to say that tomorrow, too!) Today has been nuts, and I need some downtime. I also need sleep. See why I'll do it tomorrow? ;-) I did get a small package to send to DH ready to go. After dropping Abby off at school, the other two and I will be heading to the grocery store. Milk - it's always about the milk! Either after that or before we pick up Abby (or maybe immediately after - it all depends on Grant and Natalie), we'll mail the package. He forgot something, and Abby wanted to send him a couple of things. He's also getting a bunch of candy! LOL

I gotta sit down and look at the checkbook. I've no idea where we're at right now, but my brain is mush. The good thing is with Abby gone, I can get more done during the day. Natalie sleeps all morning, and Grant's pretty easily occupied. So, I can get the dishes and maybe even checkbook taken care of after shopping. I just gotta get us ready to go before I go to bed - make my list, find any coupons I have, put my reusable bags where I won't forget them, etc.

I must say, though, that I did get a TON of stuff done today, not the least of it is finally getting the clean clothes put away - on time to start laundry again in a couple of days! LOL I also got the drawer under Natalie's crib back in place. A couple of months ago, Abby jumped on it while it was open. DH and I could NOT get it back in, so it had been placed under the crib, out of the way of walking feet. Today I decided it was enough. It'd be a PITA to have to deal with that next time I change Natalie's sheets. Plus, I was tired of not using the drawer! We paid for the damn thing. I had better get full use out of it! ;-) I'm not entirely sure how I got it in, but I did. I cleared plenty of room for me to work at getting it back in place. I said a quick prayer "Lord, please help me get this thing back in its place" - or something to that effect - and set to work. Once I finally got the rollers in place, I pushed until it resisted. Then I sat and pushed with my legs. That was cake - and I still can get it open. It sticks a little, but it's easily opened anyway. And, yes, I did remember to praise and thank God for that little bit of help. Proof once again that He does care about the little things, too! :-)

Well, it's getting late and I gotta prep for the morning. I also need to sleep.

Deep Thoughts

There is so much going on in my mind right now. I don't know where to begin. Oy! I hate when this happens. I don't have writer's block - I just can't keep up with the thoughts running through this head of mine! It'll probably take me all day to write this. Between interruptions (I love my kids) and my own distraction, it's inevitable. Plus, I gotta pay the bills today. We also need to go to Sam's Club today. DH is going to be gone to Texas for 30 days for work, so I want to stock up on stuff like diapers, TP, etc. He doesn't know this yet, but I'm sure he'll understand when I talk to him about it. More on the Texas stuff later, as I don't feel like talking about that yet.

Or do I? OK. That's the easy topic, so here it goes. DH works for the Army Corps of Engineers, and has the opportunity to deploy for 30 days to help with hurricane recovery efforts in Texas. He's done this twice before - after Hurricane Katrina in LA. The good thing is it's a TON of extra money, and we REALLY need that right now. He said it looks like it'll be 11-hour days with one day off every other week, plus there are two holidays in November for which he'll get holiday pay. Not to mention working over the weekends. This is the first time he'll be gone with me NOT being pregnant! LOL The first time he was gone about three months before Grant was born. The second time he was gone about five months before Natalie was born. But, this is the first time I'm not working. It'll be me and the kids, 24/7. Thank God for school, b/c without it Abby might end up dead (more on that later). But, that means I'll have to drop her off and pick her up - every day. That'll be a HUGE disruption to our usual routine, and will necessitate an entirely new routine. But, I know we'll be fine. It'll be hard - especially since I won't have work as time away - but I know we'll be OK. God wouldn't have given me all three kids if I couldn't handle them. Plus, I think this was somewhat of a Divine appointment. Thursday, I had told DH that if he had an opportunity to go on a 30-day deployment, I'm behind him. He had been thinking of doing one, too. Yesterday he got notification that they're looking for someone. Now he's just waiting for his tasker and travel orders. I pray it comes soon, b/c I want him back for my birthday - December 12! I'm not sure what we'll do about Thanksgiving, but we'll figure it out.

Now the tricky part begins. It all started when I checked out my page on MySpace yesterday. I only get there once every month or two, and yesterday was my first time in quite a while. There was a ton of stuff on there, and getting caught up was a time-consuming venture. I knew that going into it, though. But, when I get to the blog updates, well, the one right on top says "P broke up with me" and is posted by my sister. About a year ago, my sister moved 800+ miles to be with him, and he out of the blue breaks up with her. He basically told her that he woke up one day and didn't love her anymore. Right. Asshole. Oh, yeah, and about a month ago she renewed her lease for another year, which makes it that much harder for her to come home. She's all but said that's what she wants to do. :-( My other sister and I were talking about this last night, and we are going to try to help her find a way home. Her job is another consideration, but I have no doubt that she'd be able to transfer back to her previous location without a problem. For starters, they loved her there. Plus, I've been told they're losing half their employees to a new store that's opening up. So, I think she'd have no problem on the job front. She'd likely move back in with our parents, which means she wouldn't have to pay rent or utilities. So, if worse came to worst, she could live there while paying her lease where she's at now. But that might work in her favor - I'm sure her landlord doesn't want her apartment vacant for almost a year. So, perhaps things can be worked out in her favor. I hope so. I know she needs to be home now - I can tell. When I read her blog and talk to her, I can sense it. My poor sweet sister! :-(

The only bright side to this is that it appears to be working to bring my other sister and me closer than we've been in quite some time. She and I were up late IM'ing last night, and got to talk about all sorts of things. We discussed our other sister's situation and are planning to light a fire under her ass to get her to come home. After talking about that, we discussed other things that I'm glad we did. Very personal, very old things. Family stuff, which I'm not going to share here. Probably not ever. Stuff that personal stays on Vox, where I have full control over who gets to read it. Anyway, that talking was good for us. We've not done any really substantial talk in so long. We needed that. I feel much better about our relationship now.

The flip side, though, is that it made me wonder. Without going into too much detail, I will share some of my thoughts. We discussed family stuff, which I mentioned previously. Part of what we talked about was how neither of us remembers much of our childhood at all. It's like we've got amnesia or something. We were talking about what we did remember, and I'm now wondering if things were much worse than I remember. Did I block it all out? Do I need therapy? Do I want to dig all of this up? I really don't know. To some extent it bothers me not knowing about my childhood. You know those questions people sometimes ask, like "what's your first memory?" or "what's your favorite childhood memory" or pretty much anything along those lines. Am I more fucked up than I'd ever even considered? It could explain a lot ... but, again, do I even want to go there? Maybe it's better not knowing. I guess I have a lot to consider. It won't be now, as I'll be busy enough during DH's absence for the time being. Plus, we also have to look into the financial side. Will insurance cover this? If so, how much? Do we need a referral? If not, can we even afford it? I really hate that the financial picture has to limit this. If I need therapy, I should be able to get it. But whatever. I guess for now I'll just keep on with my considerations. There's a lot to think about and a lot to consider. I suppose I should do so on my knees, too. Pray for wisdom, discernment, etc.

So, in my ponderings, I have many things I wonder. Is healing possible if you don't even know what the injury is? I'm sure superficial healing can happen, but can true - complete - healing happen when there's no idea what's the cause of any pain? I just don't know. So, I guess I'll be in prayer about this. I really can see no other way to go about this. I'm just grateful that I have the Lord to help me discern the right way to approach this.

I am running out of things to say, so I'll just stop here. I'll likely post more about this down the road. If you read it all, thanks for reading! :-)

I'm at a loss for words

Someone on FROGs posted this blog, and I thought I'd share it here.

ConnorWatch

An absolutely amazing journey. That poor 18-year-old child and his poor parents. If you're not familiar with the story, an 18-year-old boy had a diving accident and ended up with a spinal injury. He has made astounding strides in recovery, but still has a long way to go. The family is Christian, and are asking for as much prayer support as anyone can spare. Even if you aren't Christian, I think it's worth following this story. I have added this blog to my blogroll for easy location in the future. My heart and prayers go out to Connor and his family and friends.