Thinking

I have noticed that there are times I tend to isolate myself from my friends. Not my family, because that's pretty much impossible. (It's hard to isolate yourself from people with whom you share a house!) But, my friends – especially my closest friends – are another story. I'm not entirely sure why I do this. I've thought about it, but I just don't know. In some ways, I would guess it's so I can be selfish – or maybe because I'm being selfish. If I'm isolating myself from them, then I can wallow in my own misery without feeling guilty. Until I realize I've basically cut off everyone who cares about me. It's not like I do it on purpose. I never realize I'm doing it until I suddenly realize that I haven't spoken to certain people in what feels like forever. Then I realize I'm doing it again. Yes. Again.

I wish I knew and understood why I do this. This is one of those many things that makes me think I should be in therapy. And, no, I don't think being in therapy is a bad – or even embarrassing – thing. I really think it can be very helpful and very good for someone who needs it. And I believe I'm one of those people. But, I haven't the slightest idea how to go about finding a good therapist. I have trust issues, so I can't just find a random person and talk to him/her about whatever's bothering me. I know they are bound by law to keep my secrets or refrain from sharing information I'd rather be kept private, but that doesn't help me in the trust department. Trust is a HUGE issue for me. Huge. (Just ask any of my close friends or Mr. Ham about it.) That's one of the things that makes my faith so unbelievable for me. I can trust God in just about anything. I know He'll pull through for me. I know He'll take care of me. But, He has proven himself again and again in my life. I KNOW – without the tiniest bit of doubt – that He is trustworthy.

After almost 12 years of marriage and more than 17 years together, my husband has proven himself trustworthy, too. It's taken me a LONG time to get to where I can honestly say I trust him completely, but I'm finally there. Satan keeps trying to make me doubt that, but so far I've been able to disallow his seeds of doubt to grow. He keeps inserting thoughts along the lines of "Things are too perfect. Something's gotta go wrong soon. This is the calm before the storm. Can you really trust him implicitly? How many women think they know their husbands, think they can trust them, only to find out he's been hiding something big?" I am trying desperately to keep these seeds from being planted. I'm trying hard to deflect every one of these. Mr. Ham has never given me a real reason to doubt him, and I refuse to do so. But, Satan keeps trying. He knows where I struggle, and he's trying to exploit that. I won't let him.

Anyway, I appear to be in a funk again, although I think my cycles affect that greater than I'd like them to. And, yes, this funk includes being reclusive. *sigh* For me, there's not much getting around that. It appears to be the way I'm wired.

I am at a loss as to the best way to end this, so I guess it's over now! ;-) Thanks for reading!

~*~Friday Follow~*~

So, I added myself to the Friday Follow McLinky list, but neglected to make a FF post! Sorry! I decided to give this a try, because it sounds like fun! :-) This is my first week doing this, and I look forward to making new friends!

I post mainly book reviews, but also other odds and ends - hence the name, Ramblings & More! ;-) To check out my reviews, go HERE. I occasionally have book giveaways, too. Look for TWO free books up for grabs next week!

To see the rules of Friday Follow, so that you, too, can participate, click on the graphic above! Leave me a comment if you become a follower, and I'll do the same for you!

Thank you to our hosts: Midday Escapades, One 2 Try, and Hearts Make Families!

Well, Now I Feel Loved

I checked my newest comments tonight to find that a friend has left me something on her blog. So, I immediately clicked on the link to find Michelle very kindly left me a blog award! :-) I'm so touched and thrilled - this is my first blog award of any kind. The fact that it's from another blogger (one I actually look up to, nonetheless) makes it that much more special! There's nothing better than being recognized by your peers.

Michelle kindly gave me the Humane Award, which is for kind bloggers. Thank you, Michelle!

It's my turn to pass it on, and I'm choosing some of my favorite bloggers who I consider true friends. Whether it's from support here, on Facebook, in real-life situations, or as a general rule, these bloggers are people I couldn't imagine my life without!

• Kelly ~ From helping me with the design for this blog and the design for my site to being a true friend, I just couldn't do it without her! Kelly defines a kindhearted person! Love you, Kelly!
• Sara ~ I've had the pleasure of meeting her in real life, too - and I suspect I'll see her more, now that her sister lives down the street! She's one of the kindest people I know.
• Heidi ~ I know, we hardly know each other. But, I love reading your blog. Not only that, but you've always been quick to help me when I have asked you questions regarding how to do something here on Blogger! Thank you!
• Lisa ~ You've always been so sweet to me. Back in the M-Z days, and now when you comment on my posts. Thank you!
• Chris ~ You're last, but definitely not least. I can't remember if your blog is open to the public or not, but I couldn't leave you off the list! You're one of my BFF, and always will be!
  

If you were tagged, download the image, post it in your blog, and share the love: nominate your Humane blogging buddies! Please don't forget to link back to the person who gave you the award!

Short Update

Sorry to be absent so long. I've been busy and really haven't had much to write about. I will be back soon, though, with some new product reviews. Until then, I thought I should update.

I GOT ONE! :-) What you ask? Well, read this post. If you don't wanna, read it, I'll just tell you. I got my Wii Fit! :-) A friend of mine in a neighboring community (which is smaller than the community in which I live) happened upon a new shipment at Walmart earlier this week. They got about 20 in on Monday night, and she called to see if I still wanted it. Of course, I said YES! :-) The plan was that she'd pick it up Tuesday morning and bring it to me Wednesday. Of course, she woke up sick and wasn't able to get there. But, her son was going to Walmart that afternoon and she had him get one! :-) There were only two left, so I'm glad he was able to get there when he did! I'm so excited!

No, I haven't used it yet. I've been sick all week! :-( I have had hardly any energy. I'm still not quite well, but hoping to get started with it tomorrow or Monday!

Anyway, I realized I'd complained about no Wii Fit here and thought I'd update. I'll share my opinion of it when I get going with it.

100 Classic Novels

I got this from my friend Kelly. She says,

I found this on a friend's blog. It's supposedly a list of 100 of the greatest novels of all time. And as Erin says... "Notice I didn't say THE greatest I said 100 OF the greatest."

The purple ones are the ones that I've read. The green ones are the ones on my to-read list. Supposedly the average American has read 6 of the 100. I've got 28 - not too bad, unless I consider the fact that I have a degree in English. Although, I have read most of the actual classics on that list, just less of the more recently written stuff. There are a few on there that I'm surprised I haven't read. And, honestly, there are plenty that I can't remember for sure whether I have read them - I've read countless books! It's definitely time to update my Goodreads to-read shelf, though!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 nineteen eighty four- george orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia- CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion- Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe- CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm- George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code- Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies- William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi- Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World- Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones- Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

And now to sound even more pathetic

This morning I posted a prayer request for the last person on her way home. I posted about 7 a.m.-ish saying she was on her way home "now" and would everyone please pray for her safety and that she handles it OK (not a fan of flying in general). A few hours later, there's a "well, that's not exactly true - at least not at the time of Heather's post ..." Apparently the flight had been delayed. But, the wording just TICKED ME OFF. Did that line even NEED to be there? Couldn't it just have been, "well, the flight was delayed, and now they are en route" or something to that effect?

So, what did I do? I abused my power, so to speak. I deleted all posts prior to hers (a total of 3 posts, I believe) and just made hers the first part, removing the line about me being so out of it. It was either that or write some snarky, bitchy line about excusing me for my ignorance or some other smartass thing.

Why does this bug me so much? Well, this is not the first time I have felt like I'm losing out on time with my friends to this particular individual. To start with, I never invited her to FROGs. She invited herself. Yes, overall, she's an asset to FROGs. But, well, stuff like this makes me regret letting her in. This is the third friend from FROGs that I have painfully watched as she monopolized their time while I am unable to be part of it. She's housed two others at her home. It's great that she's so hospitable, but why not try to include me in as much as possible? I mean, really? If it wasn't for me, she never would have even heard of these people, let alone had the opportunity to spend so much time with them. Now, I will admit that one of the times was just the timing. Natalie was just a couple of weeks old, and I wasn't ready to be taking her out, so I didn't get much time. That's really no one's fault. But, still, I get to hear over and over again about all of these things that happened, conversations, etc. And once again, I'm not a part of any of it. I got to visit with each of my friends a little, but nothing like I'd want to.

Yes, I'm whining and complaining again. I'm sorry - especially since I know some of you know who and what I'm talking about - and if you didn't get to be here at all, you're probably resenting my feelings on this. Sorry. That's why I've been posting about this here and not on the board! ;-)

Maybe not

I'm not feeling as well as I did immediately following the ice cream last night - maybe it was ice cream-induced euphoria? LOL It probably didn't help that I had to see the local and my other friend posting last night - saying how much fun they're having, etc. Thanks. Rub it in. Once again, I'm left out - the story of my life. It feels like I was just a part of the weekend as a formality - I just happen to own/run the board and live where the get-together was held. I hope that wasn't true. And here my insecurity comes to the surface - I can't confidently say that wasn't the case. Especially not yesterday. But, whatever. I'll be sad, mope about it, etc. for a little while then move on. No biggie. Of course, I'm sure my activity at FROGs, outside techie stuff, will suffer. But, oh, well. I only seem to be missed if something's wrong on the techincal side, anyway. Wow, I'm just having one big pity party today, aren't I? Sorry to be a whiny ungrateful bitch today. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

Feeling a little better ...

I did get to take the kids out for ice cream with my friends. So I'm feeling a little better about it. But, no dinner together, as I'm not invited. Fine. No biggie. Somehow, I'm feeling a TON better just from hanging out together for a couple of hours - maybe that was all I needed. I dunno. So, if you read my pity party, thanks. I think it's time to call it quits - I think. (See how I feel tomorrow! LOL)

Feeling like the proverbial odd man (or woman) out

I gotta get something off my chest. I feel bad writing this out, but I have to. For my own sanity. I'm sure some will be pissed by what they read, but too damn bad. I'm sure people will feel like I'm just a whiny idiot. Whatever.

That, said. I will get to my point. But, first, one more thing - many of you who read this will probably know who I'm talking about. I'm not stating names, b/c I feel it's unnecessary. Not b/c people know who it is anyway, but b/c I'm not generally upset with any PEOPLE. Just the situation. Oh, and I'm not posting this on FROGs, b/c I'm trying to be sensitive to those who were unable to come. Anyway ...

This past weekend was our FROGs get-together. We had been planning it for a year or two - I can't remember when we first started discussing it. Anyway, it was held here, in my area. I didn't have to go anywhere. I was so glad, because that meant I could attend no problem. And don't get me wrong - I am EXTREMELY grateful to have been able to participate and meet these wonderful women in person. But, I'm sad. Maybe it's partially the crash after all of that excitement - kinda like after a baby's born or after Christmas. All of that anticipation and excitement and everything building up. Then it's over before you know it and you're wondering where it went. I dunno.

That said, I feel like despite being local I missed out on a lot. Natalie is still breastfeeding, which meant I was "on call" the whole weekend. Friday night DH had some football refereeing, which meant I really had to be out of most of it. The kids and I got to play at the pool in the afternoon. After that we all went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. Because I had my three kids and no DH, I got stuck on the opposide end of the table from everyone else. I was basically at the kiddie table. La Flama (the restaurant) is not a quiet place, so I was effectively cut out from EVERYTHING going on. I sat between Grant and Natalie. Next to Grant was Abby and one other child. Across from me was an empty chair, next to which was another child. I was completely oblivious to anything that was talked about on Friday. ANYTHING. Then, I had to get my kids home so they could go to bed. So, while everyone lingered at the restaurant, I had to go. Then they all went back to the hotel and hung out at the pool. Not me. I had to be home with the kids. Apparently they all met up for breakfast in the morning, but no one bothered to let me know that was going on. So, I didn't get there until close to lunch time. And, of course, I had to leave early to nurse Natalie. DH wasn't as cooperative as I'd like, either. So, I ended up spending a couple of hours away from everyone, once again missing out on what all was going on - like praying with another FROG who couldn't be here.

At least Saturday night I was able to go to the dinner and concert with everyone. Dinner was nice, and I got to sit with adults - sorta. I still couldn't hear much of the conversation and had to tend to two of my three kids. And the concert, while fun, didn't really allow for much conversation - it's hard to talk over loud music! ;-) Afterward, everyone went back to the hotel to swim. Everyone but me - I had to help DH (who, again, wasn't as helpful as I'd have liked) get the kids to bed (Natalie had to nurse one last time, too). I finally get there, and got in. Everyone's in the hot tub. By the time I've changed and gone back to the pool area, no one's there - they've all gone outside. I didn't want to go outside. I wanted to enjoy the hot tub. I knew it was my ONLY chance to be there without the kids and fully enjoy the hot tub. So, I went in the hot tub and relaxed - while feeling a little rejected and like the odd man out, so to speak. Everyone eventually came over to the hot tub, which was good. But, it was just on top of already feeling out of touch with everyone.

Yesterday was OK. I took the kids to the pool again, and had some help dealing with them. I did get to go into the hot tub a little again - with Abby, who loves it! LOL After that we went home so I could get the kids fed and lying down for a nap. DH didn't want me to leave until he was done with that, so thanks to him I missed saying good-bye to a lot of people. (And as the kids and I were leaving, some were arriving. I didn't really say much to them, b/c I stupidly assumed I'd be back sooner than I was.) That afternoon was nice - just a few of us together. But, the other local invited the remaining out-of-towner to her house to dinner. Not me, though. So, apparently now that the FROGs weekend is over, I'm no longer wanted around. And, this local is hosting said out-of-towner tonight. Which means I'm once again not involved in anything. I had told my kids we'd get some local ice cream with our guests for snack. I don't think that'll happen - but I will make sure to take my kids for ice cream as I'd promised. I was hoping we could do dinner one last time, as she leaves EARLY tomorrow morning. But, I'm sure that won't happen - just based on how everything has been (not) working out for me.

And this other local, she's definitely a close friend. But, she's relatively new to FROGs - been with us about a year and a half now. And I have known some of these people for 5+ years! I feel like she's come in and taken my friends. I don't know that I should feel that way, but I do. Should or shouldn't doesn't matter. I do.After all, she was there for breakfast Saturday morning, and after I left with the kids Friday night, and for pretty much every moment I couldn't be there - including a time on the phone with someone who couldn't be here. And she got my friend all to herself last night and will again today. How can I not feel that way?

I don't know what else to say, so I'm gonna just stop now. I might come back more later.

Still here

I have been away just b/c I'm so dang busy. I know - I do it to myself. I'm an owner of a Web site, and a co-admin on another. Then I joined yet ANOTHER board (as if I needed it) recently and have been spending a ton of time there, too. I'm considering leaving Mommy Zone, as it's really not the same since Kelly left. I can't decide, though. Most of my friends have met up elsewhere, but there are a couple of women I still like talking to. But, it reminds me of when Mommy-Talk was taken over by Gail, and I couldn't stay. I couldn't respect the leadership, and knew that meant I couldn't remain there, either. And I had CLOSER friends - women who I'd known since I was pg with Abby - that didn't follow me anywhere! :-( Makes me so sad. And some won't even return my e-mails! :-( Oh, well. I do think that I will have to leave MZ, but I'm going to wait. They're going to be changing the name/url, etc. So, that'll be the perfect opportunity.

Well, I need to get to bed, so I'm gonna go. I'll try to be back soon.

Me again

I hadn't intended to be away this long. Sorry. Although, I don't think anyone's even reading this so perhaps I'm only letting myself down! LOL Still, this can be therapeutic, so I really should do it more. Now to explain my absence.

It's been a helluva couple of weeks. This past week I've been spending most of my time (when the kids allow, of course) helping a dear friend of mine launch a new Web site. It's phpBB based like mine is, so I've done most of the modifications and stuff. That has been fun - I like doing stuff like that. (Yes, I know, I'm a nerd! LOL) I've even taken a bit of a hiatus from my own site in my efforts to help her get things up and running. I let my Staff know, as I felt they should be aware of my whereabouts. The good thing is I have good people on my site, and me being gone (or in much less than usual) for a while isn't going to cause it to fall apart. I tried to get on a minimum of once per day. I must've done pretty well, as no one seemed to notice my absence.

I have since been made one of four Admin on my friend's site. I haven't let anyone on my site know that yet. Do I have to? I don't think it's a conflict of interests. My site is for Christian women; the new site is for moms. We aren't what some would call "competitors" or anything. Plus, I'm one of FOUR Admin there, all of which can do techie stuff. I might say something at least to my staff. But, I don't want to cause any drama. I know one of my staff members is on the new site, and so far she hasn't said anything about it to me. (If anyone DOES read this and you happen to be on my site, please comment here to let me know your thoughts.)

Well, laundry beckons. So, I must go for now.