Wow. This is so me.

A lot has happened since my last post. A lot. And, amazingly, I'm doing OK. I'm on the verge of tears almost constantly, but I have amazing peace. I have decided NOT to walk away from my site after all. It's MY site. I built it from the ground up. Before I did this, we were just a buddy group that moved from one forum to the next - often because the site went paid. I did this so we - the group, not just I - could have a home. Our own domain. A place we wouldn't have to leave. A place we could always go to. Every time we had to move, we lost people. I didn't want that to happen anymore. I didn't want anyone to be left behind. Even if someone chooses to leave, they will always know where to find us. We're not going anywhere. And I am not going anywhere. It is my site. My e-baby. My blood, sweat, and tears. It is time away from my kids, my husband, my family. It is MY money that pays for the server. What was I thinking in wanting to go away? Well, I know - I wanted to keep the peace. I thought if I quietly disappeared, things would be OK. The person I've had a problem with can go on and enjoy the site - sometimes I think she needs the board more than I do. I suffered in silence for two years. I sucked it up and dealt with it. I tried not to let that stuff get to me. I guess it was just festering under the surface, though. Honestly, I don't even remember what caused this whole mess in the first place. I mean, I do remember the post. There was a post about kids' cartoons, and I felt she was being snarky - she felt I was being snarky. I think, honestly, I was just finally lashing out against what has been a long, hard problem for me. But, I don't know when it went from that to me saying I'm gone. Oh, I do know. My co-Admins and I decided to bring up the matter (in general terms) with our Staff. See what they thought. See if anyone else noticed me being picked on and bullied. The very first response to the question about this was in support of the individual in question. Something about that post made me feel like it was over. Forget it. If no one else saw what I did, no one would support me. No one would care how this person made me feel. So, I decided to leave. I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I KNEW that this issue was going to be explosive if I didn't. It exploded anyway. I'm going to spare the details, as it's really no one's business. But, I'm torn up. I'm so sad and so exhausted and so - I don't know how to say what I'm feeling.

I was afraid this would look like a personal vendetta. It's NOT. Despite my feeling bullied by this individual, I didn't want to see her get hurt. I didn't want to see her lose something that I know she needs. I am as torn up over this whole thing as anyone else involved.

Anyway, I have been starting to feel better. More at peace. More accepting of the way things are playing out. I can only control me. I cannot control someone's reaction or emotions. I cannot force someone to see things from my perspective. I can just pray - and hope God shows one of us something we hadn't seen before. So, that's what I'll do.

That said, now I get to the point - or at least the explanation of the title of this post! LOL DH and I took the kiddos out to Chili's for dinner tonight. We had a gift card to use, and he didn't feel like cooking. I can respect that - plus, we love Chili's. On the way there, we were listening to KLOVE. There were some good songs, but the best came on shortly before we got there.

I have loved this song ever since I first heard it - and it's in my playlist thingy toward the bottom of this page. (If you wanna listen to it here, make sure to pause the playlist thingy first.) As I listened tonight, I heard it anew. I heard it in a way I'd never heard it before. I knew it was for me. I knew it WAS me - no, not was, rather IS me. Every single word to this song rings true. Every single word. I am going to give in and let God do His thing. I thank Him for this song, as it has ministered to me in a way I've not experienced for quite some time.



And after you listen to this, scroll down and listen to the song Strong Tower by Kutless. That's the other song that really reaches me right now.

My heart is breaking

As many of you know, I own and run a Web site. It has been a labor of love for me - my e-baby, if you will! But, I think the time has come for me to move on. It kills me to say that. It kills me to walk away, but I fear I must. I don't want to go into too much detail - because the last thing I want to do is slander anyone - but I need to get this out.

I have mentioned in the past how there is someone on the site who has made my life hell. She ruined the get-together we had in September, and she has done her damnedest to shut me out of my friendships. On the board, she has been rude, condescending, and anything-but-supportive for me. She has been a part of that site for a couple of years now, and I cannot tell you the last time I shared my inner most thoughts and/or feelings with my friends because she is there. I feel like I'm always being ridiculed and judged and belittled by her. I don't love being on my site anymore. I go there out of a sense of duty, nothing more. I hardly share much of anything. I can't bring myself to face her lippy bullshit anymore. I can't. I'm done.

What hurts the most is somehow I'm being made out to be the villain here. I never did anything wrong! I let her into my site - my inner circle of friends. I tried to embrace her as a sister in Christ. I got paid back by repeatedly getting belittled and ridiculed. I got paid back by getting pushed out of my own site. I am sick over this. So sad and so upset.

DH is watching Leno, so I'm now losing my train of thought. So, that's it for now. Maybe tomorrow I'll have better thoughts.

And now to sound even more pathetic

This morning I posted a prayer request for the last person on her way home. I posted about 7 a.m.-ish saying she was on her way home "now" and would everyone please pray for her safety and that she handles it OK (not a fan of flying in general). A few hours later, there's a "well, that's not exactly true - at least not at the time of Heather's post ..." Apparently the flight had been delayed. But, the wording just TICKED ME OFF. Did that line even NEED to be there? Couldn't it just have been, "well, the flight was delayed, and now they are en route" or something to that effect?

So, what did I do? I abused my power, so to speak. I deleted all posts prior to hers (a total of 3 posts, I believe) and just made hers the first part, removing the line about me being so out of it. It was either that or write some snarky, bitchy line about excusing me for my ignorance or some other smartass thing.

Why does this bug me so much? Well, this is not the first time I have felt like I'm losing out on time with my friends to this particular individual. To start with, I never invited her to FROGs. She invited herself. Yes, overall, she's an asset to FROGs. But, well, stuff like this makes me regret letting her in. This is the third friend from FROGs that I have painfully watched as she monopolized their time while I am unable to be part of it. She's housed two others at her home. It's great that she's so hospitable, but why not try to include me in as much as possible? I mean, really? If it wasn't for me, she never would have even heard of these people, let alone had the opportunity to spend so much time with them. Now, I will admit that one of the times was just the timing. Natalie was just a couple of weeks old, and I wasn't ready to be taking her out, so I didn't get much time. That's really no one's fault. But, still, I get to hear over and over again about all of these things that happened, conversations, etc. And once again, I'm not a part of any of it. I got to visit with each of my friends a little, but nothing like I'd want to.

Yes, I'm whining and complaining again. I'm sorry - especially since I know some of you know who and what I'm talking about - and if you didn't get to be here at all, you're probably resenting my feelings on this. Sorry. That's why I've been posting about this here and not on the board! ;-)

Maybe not

I'm not feeling as well as I did immediately following the ice cream last night - maybe it was ice cream-induced euphoria? LOL It probably didn't help that I had to see the local and my other friend posting last night - saying how much fun they're having, etc. Thanks. Rub it in. Once again, I'm left out - the story of my life. It feels like I was just a part of the weekend as a formality - I just happen to own/run the board and live where the get-together was held. I hope that wasn't true. And here my insecurity comes to the surface - I can't confidently say that wasn't the case. Especially not yesterday. But, whatever. I'll be sad, mope about it, etc. for a little while then move on. No biggie. Of course, I'm sure my activity at FROGs, outside techie stuff, will suffer. But, oh, well. I only seem to be missed if something's wrong on the techincal side, anyway. Wow, I'm just having one big pity party today, aren't I? Sorry to be a whiny ungrateful bitch today. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

Feeling a little better ...

I did get to take the kids out for ice cream with my friends. So I'm feeling a little better about it. But, no dinner together, as I'm not invited. Fine. No biggie. Somehow, I'm feeling a TON better just from hanging out together for a couple of hours - maybe that was all I needed. I dunno. So, if you read my pity party, thanks. I think it's time to call it quits - I think. (See how I feel tomorrow! LOL)

Feeling like the proverbial odd man (or woman) out

I gotta get something off my chest. I feel bad writing this out, but I have to. For my own sanity. I'm sure some will be pissed by what they read, but too damn bad. I'm sure people will feel like I'm just a whiny idiot. Whatever.

That, said. I will get to my point. But, first, one more thing - many of you who read this will probably know who I'm talking about. I'm not stating names, b/c I feel it's unnecessary. Not b/c people know who it is anyway, but b/c I'm not generally upset with any PEOPLE. Just the situation. Oh, and I'm not posting this on FROGs, b/c I'm trying to be sensitive to those who were unable to come. Anyway ...

This past weekend was our FROGs get-together. We had been planning it for a year or two - I can't remember when we first started discussing it. Anyway, it was held here, in my area. I didn't have to go anywhere. I was so glad, because that meant I could attend no problem. And don't get me wrong - I am EXTREMELY grateful to have been able to participate and meet these wonderful women in person. But, I'm sad. Maybe it's partially the crash after all of that excitement - kinda like after a baby's born or after Christmas. All of that anticipation and excitement and everything building up. Then it's over before you know it and you're wondering where it went. I dunno.

That said, I feel like despite being local I missed out on a lot. Natalie is still breastfeeding, which meant I was "on call" the whole weekend. Friday night DH had some football refereeing, which meant I really had to be out of most of it. The kids and I got to play at the pool in the afternoon. After that we all went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. Because I had my three kids and no DH, I got stuck on the opposide end of the table from everyone else. I was basically at the kiddie table. La Flama (the restaurant) is not a quiet place, so I was effectively cut out from EVERYTHING going on. I sat between Grant and Natalie. Next to Grant was Abby and one other child. Across from me was an empty chair, next to which was another child. I was completely oblivious to anything that was talked about on Friday. ANYTHING. Then, I had to get my kids home so they could go to bed. So, while everyone lingered at the restaurant, I had to go. Then they all went back to the hotel and hung out at the pool. Not me. I had to be home with the kids. Apparently they all met up for breakfast in the morning, but no one bothered to let me know that was going on. So, I didn't get there until close to lunch time. And, of course, I had to leave early to nurse Natalie. DH wasn't as cooperative as I'd like, either. So, I ended up spending a couple of hours away from everyone, once again missing out on what all was going on - like praying with another FROG who couldn't be here.

At least Saturday night I was able to go to the dinner and concert with everyone. Dinner was nice, and I got to sit with adults - sorta. I still couldn't hear much of the conversation and had to tend to two of my three kids. And the concert, while fun, didn't really allow for much conversation - it's hard to talk over loud music! ;-) Afterward, everyone went back to the hotel to swim. Everyone but me - I had to help DH (who, again, wasn't as helpful as I'd have liked) get the kids to bed (Natalie had to nurse one last time, too). I finally get there, and got in. Everyone's in the hot tub. By the time I've changed and gone back to the pool area, no one's there - they've all gone outside. I didn't want to go outside. I wanted to enjoy the hot tub. I knew it was my ONLY chance to be there without the kids and fully enjoy the hot tub. So, I went in the hot tub and relaxed - while feeling a little rejected and like the odd man out, so to speak. Everyone eventually came over to the hot tub, which was good. But, it was just on top of already feeling out of touch with everyone.

Yesterday was OK. I took the kids to the pool again, and had some help dealing with them. I did get to go into the hot tub a little again - with Abby, who loves it! LOL After that we went home so I could get the kids fed and lying down for a nap. DH didn't want me to leave until he was done with that, so thanks to him I missed saying good-bye to a lot of people. (And as the kids and I were leaving, some were arriving. I didn't really say much to them, b/c I stupidly assumed I'd be back sooner than I was.) That afternoon was nice - just a few of us together. But, the other local invited the remaining out-of-towner to her house to dinner. Not me, though. So, apparently now that the FROGs weekend is over, I'm no longer wanted around. And, this local is hosting said out-of-towner tonight. Which means I'm once again not involved in anything. I had told my kids we'd get some local ice cream with our guests for snack. I don't think that'll happen - but I will make sure to take my kids for ice cream as I'd promised. I was hoping we could do dinner one last time, as she leaves EARLY tomorrow morning. But, I'm sure that won't happen - just based on how everything has been (not) working out for me.

And this other local, she's definitely a close friend. But, she's relatively new to FROGs - been with us about a year and a half now. And I have known some of these people for 5+ years! I feel like she's come in and taken my friends. I don't know that I should feel that way, but I do. Should or shouldn't doesn't matter. I do.After all, she was there for breakfast Saturday morning, and after I left with the kids Friday night, and for pretty much every moment I couldn't be there - including a time on the phone with someone who couldn't be here. And she got my friend all to herself last night and will again today. How can I not feel that way?

I don't know what else to say, so I'm gonna just stop now. I might come back more later.

Oh FFS

I'm feeling a pull to Facebook. As if I need one more thing to be unable to keep up with online! GAAAAAH! But, I have so many friends who are there and NOT MySpace. Or are on both but never go to MySpace anymore b/c they have Facebook. Sigh.

I know, this is a petty vent, but hey. What are you gonna do?

One more vent. I can't believe I haven't mentioned this here before - I'm sure the lack of power last week is to blame! ;-) Anyway, we have recently had an issue on FROGs, and I'm shaken to the core by it! I can't believe how much it's affecting me. If I think on it too much, I get sick to my stomach, my throat feels tight, and I can feel my heart racing. So not good.

What happened? How did I know you'd ask? Here goes.

We have a member who recently returned to the board after being away for a while. After her return, she sent me a private message to explain her absence. At risk of pissing her off and chasing her away from FROGs for good, here's her message:

Hey Heather. I didn't want to post this on the board and make a issue of it, but I want you to know the main reason I haven't been around and the same reason I am kinda worried about coming back. One of my last posts was about how I felt like I was having a hard time connecting here and that I felt lost sometimes. Well...I recieived a email from someone and I was hurt to say the least. Basically they said that it was God's way of letting me know that FROGS wasn't to be my home and that maybe I would feel more comfortable somewhere else.At first I was just kinbda stunned and was trying to figure out what exactly that meant. But as time went on, I just got mad and decided to stay away for awhile.

I am not telling you this for any other reason than just to let you know why I disappeared. On a different note, it looks like there have been a lot of changes here in the past few months...it looks nice and you are doing a wonderful job!

I read this and INSTANTLY was angry beyond belief and grieved more than I'd have thought possible. How DARE someone on FROGs do that to a sister in Christ? HOW DARE SHE? Despite our best efforts, we could not get the individual who contacted me to reveal the offender. That ticks me off to no end. I understand that she wants it over and done with. She wants to move on. I get that. I also get that she has extended forgiveness and wants to walk in forgiveness. OK. But, why tell us if you don't want something made out of it? Seriously. This is a HUGE deal. So far as I'm concerned - so far, at least - it's the WORST offence to have occurred on FROGs!

And, in addition to being angry and disappointed that it happened, I feel betrayed - by both the offender and the sister who shared this with me. I don't think I should feel that way, but I do. I'm also afraid we'll never find out exactly what happened, and that worries me. I want to know who so I can talk with her and make sure she understands that it is NEVER to happen again. It's not about punishment or revenge or anything like that - it's trying to make sure EVERYONE on FROGs is safe! My biggest fear is that this individual will do this again.

I have so many thoughts and feelings on this, but I'm spent. I can't think clearly or find a way to write it out. So, I'm going to end this post for now. I just had to get some things off my chest.

What a Day

Cue Jack's Big Music Show! LMAO

Seriously. It has been one heck of a day. Wow. I feel like it's been a week! I'll start at the beginning.

Natalie woke about 6 this morning to nurse. I got up to use the restroom while DH got her diaper changed. When I came back into the room, I noticed that it looked SUPER foggy outside. You could hardly see anything. I commented to DH about it, then went about my business nursing Natalie. About five minutes pass when the wind picks up and the storm sirens go off. So, I whisk Natalie up, and DH gets the other two and we all head down to the basement. I felt bad having to wake them up like that, but we knew we had to. Just before the sirens went off, I could FEEL the wind shaking my house as I lie in bed nursing Natalie! It was no surprise when the sirens were activated! On our way down the stairs, we were able to witness the kids' easel blow across the porch from one side of the house to the other, passing the front door. It was wild. We tried to get Sawyer to come downstairs with us, but he was too freaked, so he stayed in the kitchen. We were down there 5-10 minutes when the sirens went silent, so back upstairs we went. I finished nursing Natalie, and DH got the other two settled when the sirens went off again. Another 5-10 minutes went by before silence was heard. Then, DH got ready for work and the kids and I started our day. (Well, except that DH put Natalie down for a nap before he got ready for work.) Oh, and the power went out shortly after Natalie waking up. I don't remember exactly when - but I think it was while I was nursing her. I know for sure it was before the first siren went off.

So, we (the kids and I) spent the day trying to stay occupied. We played in the morning, and read some books. I found 8 C batteries to power a portable radio we have, so I was able to keep up on the weather and news. First estimates, around 9:30, were that most people should have power back within 72 hours of when power was lost. At first I thought that wasn't so bad, but then I did the math - that's THREE DAYS! Yikes! I was hoping we'd be on the early end of that, but so far no good.

According to the news, it was a storm that involved straight line wind. Here's text of the story from KWQC, our local NBC affiliate:

Severe storms ripped through the Quad Cities on Monday morning, leaving significant damage and nearly 180,000 homes and businesses without power in the QCA.

Meteorologists from TV-6 and the National Weather Service agree that the damage was a result of straight line winds. A 94 mph wind gust was reported at the Quad city Airport in Moline.

The National Weather Service surveyed the storm damage and confirmed the wind estimate of 90-100 mph. While the damage was not a result of tornadoes, the winds woudl be equivalent to an EF-1 tornado.

Meteorologists stress this is an example of why it is so critical to take severe thunderstorm warnings seriously. "It doesn't matter if it is a 100 mph wind from a tornado or a 100 mph wind from a straight line wind." says KWQC Chief Meteorologist Ryan Burchett. "The damage is going to be the same. If anything, the damage may be more widespread from the straight line wind event. The big difference is the structure of the storm. And that doesn't matter much to the people whose homes are struck by the storms."

The National Weather Service has posted more information about their storm survey on their website.

We are fortunate. No damage to our home or anything - just the loss of power. While an inconvenience, it's trivial as it could be so much worse. A few houses down, a tree fell on the house - can't tell if it damaged the house, but I'm sure it at least scratched it up a bit. We had a tree removed from out front last fall. Man are we glad that happened - as it was DEAD and likely would've damaged the house if it was still here! The worst news out of today was of a campsite that had trees downed, and a 4-year-old boy was killed! :-( The tree fell on the tent in which he was sleeping. Two other kids, a 9-year-old and a 9-month-old, were injured. One was sent to Peoria. Please say a prayer for the family.

There are tree limbs and power lines down EVERYWHERE here in Moline. Our mayor called a state of emergency and asked that everyone stay home as much as possible. No problems there. the garage door opener is out - I'm not going anywhere! LMAO John Deere Road, a MAIN road here in the Illinois side of the Q-C, is closed. There are several power lines down along the road, as well as the poles holding said lines. So not good. The kids and I have made do. There's not much choice - nothing nearby is open. No one has power. I did my best to avoid opening the fridge, until 1 p.m. rolled around. I decided at that point that most of what's in the fridge likely has spoiled already, so I'm having my Dr Pepper! LOL (The local Red Cross is saying 2-4 hours is the longest you should go with stuff in the fridge.) We had crappy breakfast and lunch - crackers, dry cereal, canned fruit, bananas, peanut butter, etc. But, hey, at least we have something we can eat.

So, where was DH in all of this? Coralville, Iowa, for work. He had some water sampling to do at the "lake" there. It was kinda rough not having him around, but it also ended up being a good thing. He was able to go to a Lowe's there and get a generator. (I am sure there are NONE to be found here in the Q-C!) So, now we have minimal power. We have the fridge hooked up, the chest freezer in the basement, the wireless router (of course LOL), a fan in the living room, and a window a/c unit in our bedroom. And, praise God, that flooding in Iowa last month left us with LOTS of money from the OT he put in. So, we were able to pay cash for the generator. Bad news, though, is that it's gone - all of that OT pay is gone. Oh, well. At least we can wait out the power loss somewhat more comfortably - and eat, too! LOL

The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness

You know, the biggest praise is that we hadn't spent that money yet! We can be a bit less frugal than we should - but by some amazing miracle, we had not spent it yet! Praise God! Of course, this all happens as we begin reading Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Figures it would work out that way, huh? At least we were able to avoid going any further into debt than we had been prior to starting the book, and likely the TMM! :-) Although, I had been hoping to use the OT for Baby Step 1 - the $1,000 emergency fund. Oh, well. God will provide. And, hey, had we not had the OT, it'd be that much harder, right?

When DH got home, he got the generator going. (I have a minor vent there, but will save it for a time when I have less-limited resources!) Then we swung by McDonald's (in Iowa, as no where anywhere near us has power yet) and got some dinner, which we brought home. The kids are now in bed, and DH is out buying more gas for the generator and another power strip to allow us to have the fan running AND the laptops charging simultaneously! :-) God is always faithful.

As for the power, the last I've heard is that MidAmerican (our power company here) is still in the assessment part of things. That means they STILL have no real idea how long it'll take to get everyone's power up and running. *sigh* They are still saying that most people should have power back within 72 hours. BUT, and this is HUGE - IMO - it could be as late as Thursday or Friday! YIKES! We live in part of the hardest-hit area, so I'm nervous that maybe that'll be us waiting ALL WEEK! Eek! So, do we stay or do we go? We could head to Winfield to stay with my parents for a few days while power is nowhere near restored. Or we could just hang out with the generator for a week. I did check, and our vet could board Sawyer until Friday. So, we can leave if we want to - after Abby's dentist appointment tomorrow morning. We shall see - DH and I will discuss when he gets back, which I hope will be SOON!

Well, I've run out of brain power right now, so I'm going to go. Plus, I probably should check in at FROGs and let them know I'm OK.

I'm at a loss for words

Someone on FROGs posted this blog, and I thought I'd share it here.

ConnorWatch

An absolutely amazing journey. That poor 18-year-old child and his poor parents. If you're not familiar with the story, an 18-year-old boy had a diving accident and ended up with a spinal injury. He has made astounding strides in recovery, but still has a long way to go. The family is Christian, and are asking for as much prayer support as anyone can spare. Even if you aren't Christian, I think it's worth following this story. I have added this blog to my blogroll for easy location in the future. My heart and prayers go out to Connor and his family and friends.

Me again

I hadn't intended to be away this long. Sorry. Although, I don't think anyone's even reading this so perhaps I'm only letting myself down! LOL Still, this can be therapeutic, so I really should do it more. Now to explain my absence.

It's been a helluva couple of weeks. This past week I've been spending most of my time (when the kids allow, of course) helping a dear friend of mine launch a new Web site. It's phpBB based like mine is, so I've done most of the modifications and stuff. That has been fun - I like doing stuff like that. (Yes, I know, I'm a nerd! LOL) I've even taken a bit of a hiatus from my own site in my efforts to help her get things up and running. I let my Staff know, as I felt they should be aware of my whereabouts. The good thing is I have good people on my site, and me being gone (or in much less than usual) for a while isn't going to cause it to fall apart. I tried to get on a minimum of once per day. I must've done pretty well, as no one seemed to notice my absence.

I have since been made one of four Admin on my friend's site. I haven't let anyone on my site know that yet. Do I have to? I don't think it's a conflict of interests. My site is for Christian women; the new site is for moms. We aren't what some would call "competitors" or anything. Plus, I'm one of FOUR Admin there, all of which can do techie stuff. I might say something at least to my staff. But, I don't want to cause any drama. I know one of my staff members is on the new site, and so far she hasn't said anything about it to me. (If anyone DOES read this and you happen to be on my site, please comment here to let me know your thoughts.)

Well, laundry beckons. So, I must go for now.

I'm still here

Sorry to be so quiet for so long. I haven't intended to be away. I was hoping I'd actually be able to write at least once per day. But, well, I got caught up. I've installed an arcade on my site, and it's taking up my time. No, I'm not spending all of my time playing the games! LOL (Although, I do have to test each one to make sure it works and then properly submits the score.) It's time-consuming to find the games then install them. After that, it's organization and actually activating them on the site. Finally, test. I have one - Marvin's Lucky 13 Solitaire (or something like that) - that works fine, until you go to submit the score. Then I get an error - GAAH! Can't a girl get a break? Then, I took a LOOOOONG time tracking down a couple of my favorites: Sandwich Stacker and Traffic Control. Neither was formatted for this particular arcade, but I was able to get someone to do SS for me. Now to just get TC converted. I wish I knew coding better! :-( I am proud of myself, though, for what I am able to do on my site. I'm learning a little bit of html and php coding. I would love to be able to create awesome Web pages and/or forums. Maybe someday I'll look into some courses on Web design or something.

Before I forget - check out my new Meez! :-)

Well, it's late - I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll write tomorrow! ;-)