Thinking

I have noticed that there are times I tend to isolate myself from my friends. Not my family, because that's pretty much impossible. (It's hard to isolate yourself from people with whom you share a house!) But, my friends – especially my closest friends – are another story. I'm not entirely sure why I do this. I've thought about it, but I just don't know. In some ways, I would guess it's so I can be selfish – or maybe because I'm being selfish. If I'm isolating myself from them, then I can wallow in my own misery without feeling guilty. Until I realize I've basically cut off everyone who cares about me. It's not like I do it on purpose. I never realize I'm doing it until I suddenly realize that I haven't spoken to certain people in what feels like forever. Then I realize I'm doing it again. Yes. Again.

I wish I knew and understood why I do this. This is one of those many things that makes me think I should be in therapy. And, no, I don't think being in therapy is a bad – or even embarrassing – thing. I really think it can be very helpful and very good for someone who needs it. And I believe I'm one of those people. But, I haven't the slightest idea how to go about finding a good therapist. I have trust issues, so I can't just find a random person and talk to him/her about whatever's bothering me. I know they are bound by law to keep my secrets or refrain from sharing information I'd rather be kept private, but that doesn't help me in the trust department. Trust is a HUGE issue for me. Huge. (Just ask any of my close friends or Mr. Ham about it.) That's one of the things that makes my faith so unbelievable for me. I can trust God in just about anything. I know He'll pull through for me. I know He'll take care of me. But, He has proven himself again and again in my life. I KNOW – without the tiniest bit of doubt – that He is trustworthy.

After almost 12 years of marriage and more than 17 years together, my husband has proven himself trustworthy, too. It's taken me a LONG time to get to where I can honestly say I trust him completely, but I'm finally there. Satan keeps trying to make me doubt that, but so far I've been able to disallow his seeds of doubt to grow. He keeps inserting thoughts along the lines of "Things are too perfect. Something's gotta go wrong soon. This is the calm before the storm. Can you really trust him implicitly? How many women think they know their husbands, think they can trust them, only to find out he's been hiding something big?" I am trying desperately to keep these seeds from being planted. I'm trying hard to deflect every one of these. Mr. Ham has never given me a real reason to doubt him, and I refuse to do so. But, Satan keeps trying. He knows where I struggle, and he's trying to exploit that. I won't let him.

Anyway, I appear to be in a funk again, although I think my cycles affect that greater than I'd like them to. And, yes, this funk includes being reclusive. *sigh* For me, there's not much getting around that. It appears to be the way I'm wired.

I am at a loss as to the best way to end this, so I guess it's over now! ;-) Thanks for reading!

Tiny Update

Here I go again, ignoring this blog. I'm sorry. I have really, really overdone it with Proud Book Nerd. Too much to read in too little time. Then I added Blogmania to the mix, which I stupidly forgot to mention here. Sorry, friends! :-( On top of all of that, I've had sick kids, who decided to share their germs with me. I was VERY ill for a couple of days this week. And, the icing on the cake, I somehow (don't ask how, as I don't know how) managed to injure my right wrist. (Thank God I'm a lefty!) I've seen my chiro, who has found one of the little bones out of place. It has been popped back into place, and is healing. It feels MUCH better, but is still sore. I wear a brace on my wrist most of the time. I'm doing much better, but this situation makes typing a bit tough.

That's my excuse ...

Anyway, I'm hoping to get this blog in on a holiday giveaway (similar to Blogmania) in December. Something fun. I haven't heard back yet, though, as to my status. If not this, then the book blog, but I'd rather here. Share the love! ;-)

Me, personally, I'm overall OK, despite what I mentioned above. While sick, I missed two days of the Zoloft, then briefly considered never looking back. But I'm not ready for that yet. I have decided that I need therapy. Now I am overwhelmed by the task of trying to find a therapist. It is IMPERATIVE that this person is also a Christian. I have to have someone with similar beliefs to my own. That's not negotiable. Otherwise, I dunno. I think I'd prefer a woman, but I'm not entirely sure. Anyone with advice on finding a good therapist? I think I'm gonna call or e-mail my church and ask for referrals or recommendations, and go from there. Anyone with a better idea?

Why do I want therapy? Well, there's a lot on my mind. A lot more stress than I think I even let myself realize on a conscious level, if that makes any sense. Add to that, I have past stuff that just needs to get worked through. I don't remember a vast majority of my childhood, and what little I do remember is fuzzy. There has to be a reason for it. Based on what I do remember, I think I spent a large part of my childhood depressed. There was a lot of loss, much more than most kids have to deal with, and I took it hard. Perhaps there's more to the memory loss than I know, but that's the reason for therapy. It's like an infection under the skin. It's going to fester and affect me, whether I can see it or not. While the process is painful, it's best I get to the source of the issues I have in my life. Once I get to the junk beneath the surface, then true healing can occur. How can I give it all to God if I don't even know what it is I'm carrying? How can I forgive others, if the need is there, if I don't know what needs to be forgiven? I think this might also help with the whole weight-loss issue. And my self-esteem – or lack thereof.

And now my injured wrist is starting to ache. Better stop typing. Love to you all! I have some plans for this blog – the direction I want it to take. I just have to heal (the aforementioned wrist) and make time (the aforementioned book blog). While I have little control over the former, I'll do what I can about the latter!

Deep Thoughts

There is so much going on in my mind right now. I don't know where to begin. Oy! I hate when this happens. I don't have writer's block - I just can't keep up with the thoughts running through this head of mine! It'll probably take me all day to write this. Between interruptions (I love my kids) and my own distraction, it's inevitable. Plus, I gotta pay the bills today. We also need to go to Sam's Club today. DH is going to be gone to Texas for 30 days for work, so I want to stock up on stuff like diapers, TP, etc. He doesn't know this yet, but I'm sure he'll understand when I talk to him about it. More on the Texas stuff later, as I don't feel like talking about that yet.

Or do I? OK. That's the easy topic, so here it goes. DH works for the Army Corps of Engineers, and has the opportunity to deploy for 30 days to help with hurricane recovery efforts in Texas. He's done this twice before - after Hurricane Katrina in LA. The good thing is it's a TON of extra money, and we REALLY need that right now. He said it looks like it'll be 11-hour days with one day off every other week, plus there are two holidays in November for which he'll get holiday pay. Not to mention working over the weekends. This is the first time he'll be gone with me NOT being pregnant! LOL The first time he was gone about three months before Grant was born. The second time he was gone about five months before Natalie was born. But, this is the first time I'm not working. It'll be me and the kids, 24/7. Thank God for school, b/c without it Abby might end up dead (more on that later). But, that means I'll have to drop her off and pick her up - every day. That'll be a HUGE disruption to our usual routine, and will necessitate an entirely new routine. But, I know we'll be fine. It'll be hard - especially since I won't have work as time away - but I know we'll be OK. God wouldn't have given me all three kids if I couldn't handle them. Plus, I think this was somewhat of a Divine appointment. Thursday, I had told DH that if he had an opportunity to go on a 30-day deployment, I'm behind him. He had been thinking of doing one, too. Yesterday he got notification that they're looking for someone. Now he's just waiting for his tasker and travel orders. I pray it comes soon, b/c I want him back for my birthday - December 12! I'm not sure what we'll do about Thanksgiving, but we'll figure it out.

Now the tricky part begins. It all started when I checked out my page on MySpace yesterday. I only get there once every month or two, and yesterday was my first time in quite a while. There was a ton of stuff on there, and getting caught up was a time-consuming venture. I knew that going into it, though. But, when I get to the blog updates, well, the one right on top says "P broke up with me" and is posted by my sister. About a year ago, my sister moved 800+ miles to be with him, and he out of the blue breaks up with her. He basically told her that he woke up one day and didn't love her anymore. Right. Asshole. Oh, yeah, and about a month ago she renewed her lease for another year, which makes it that much harder for her to come home. She's all but said that's what she wants to do. :-( My other sister and I were talking about this last night, and we are going to try to help her find a way home. Her job is another consideration, but I have no doubt that she'd be able to transfer back to her previous location without a problem. For starters, they loved her there. Plus, I've been told they're losing half their employees to a new store that's opening up. So, I think she'd have no problem on the job front. She'd likely move back in with our parents, which means she wouldn't have to pay rent or utilities. So, if worse came to worst, she could live there while paying her lease where she's at now. But that might work in her favor - I'm sure her landlord doesn't want her apartment vacant for almost a year. So, perhaps things can be worked out in her favor. I hope so. I know she needs to be home now - I can tell. When I read her blog and talk to her, I can sense it. My poor sweet sister! :-(

The only bright side to this is that it appears to be working to bring my other sister and me closer than we've been in quite some time. She and I were up late IM'ing last night, and got to talk about all sorts of things. We discussed our other sister's situation and are planning to light a fire under her ass to get her to come home. After talking about that, we discussed other things that I'm glad we did. Very personal, very old things. Family stuff, which I'm not going to share here. Probably not ever. Stuff that personal stays on Vox, where I have full control over who gets to read it. Anyway, that talking was good for us. We've not done any really substantial talk in so long. We needed that. I feel much better about our relationship now.

The flip side, though, is that it made me wonder. Without going into too much detail, I will share some of my thoughts. We discussed family stuff, which I mentioned previously. Part of what we talked about was how neither of us remembers much of our childhood at all. It's like we've got amnesia or something. We were talking about what we did remember, and I'm now wondering if things were much worse than I remember. Did I block it all out? Do I need therapy? Do I want to dig all of this up? I really don't know. To some extent it bothers me not knowing about my childhood. You know those questions people sometimes ask, like "what's your first memory?" or "what's your favorite childhood memory" or pretty much anything along those lines. Am I more fucked up than I'd ever even considered? It could explain a lot ... but, again, do I even want to go there? Maybe it's better not knowing. I guess I have a lot to consider. It won't be now, as I'll be busy enough during DH's absence for the time being. Plus, we also have to look into the financial side. Will insurance cover this? If so, how much? Do we need a referral? If not, can we even afford it? I really hate that the financial picture has to limit this. If I need therapy, I should be able to get it. But whatever. I guess for now I'll just keep on with my considerations. There's a lot to think about and a lot to consider. I suppose I should do so on my knees, too. Pray for wisdom, discernment, etc.

So, in my ponderings, I have many things I wonder. Is healing possible if you don't even know what the injury is? I'm sure superficial healing can happen, but can true - complete - healing happen when there's no idea what's the cause of any pain? I just don't know. So, I guess I'll be in prayer about this. I really can see no other way to go about this. I'm just grateful that I have the Lord to help me discern the right way to approach this.

I am running out of things to say, so I'll just stop here. I'll likely post more about this down the road. If you read it all, thanks for reading! :-)