The Lessons We Learn, Part 2

I knew this was gonna end up being a useful post title! ;-) There are so many lessons in life, especially a faith-filled life. Yes, I said especially a faith-filled life. I believe that there's more to learn about life when you have Divine considerations/influences in your life. Not only do you have your society's norms, customs, etc. to learn, but you also have those associated with your faith. And often – especially when that faith is centered on Christ – those customs, values, etc. are in opposition to those of your culture. While I think everyone should be respected, the Christian faith teaches that there is only ONE way to Heaven. And that is through Christ. You can be the nicest person to ever grace this planet, but if you deny Christ, you're not going to Heaven. That is because the basic premise of Christianity is Christ himself. Other religions don't recognize Him for who He is. Some people believe that it doesn't matter what you believe, and everyone's right. If you believe in the Christian God and His Son, you're good. If you believe in the Muslim God (Allah, I believe) then you're good. So long as you believe and follow something, you're OK. I believe that is the basic premise of Agnosticism. I could be wrong about that, though, as I don't recognize that as a valid choice. In my opinion, that is a cop out. "I don't wanna choose," for whatever reason. And "I don't wanna tell anyone else what's right or wrong," again, for whatever reason. I think it's noncommittal and just stupid. Sorry if you consider yourself Agnostic. That's just how I feel. People are allowed to bash us Christians and our faith all they want, but the moment one of us says something about other religions, we're the bad guys. Whatever! I don't care what anyone thinks.

And now that I'm done with that tangent, here's what I really intended to write about: being judgmental. How is that different from what I wrote above? Good question. I'll have to think on that one. But, until then, this is what I can come up with on the fly: Christianity is based on a set of beliefs and principles. Christianity is Christ-centered. Christianity has a lot of black-and-white elements, one of which is that without Christ, no one goes to Heaven. Therefore, I don't think that stating these ideas (which I believe are spiritual FACTS) is being judgmental. One doesn't have to believe something in order for it to be true. People didn't believe Galileo when he claimed the earth was not the center of the universe. But it still was true. You don't HAVE to believe in Jesus Christ. You don't have to believe in God. That's because He gave us FREE WILL. That means you get to choose whom you will serve: Him, yourself, some other deity. You get to choose. He doesn't want people following Him out of obligation. He wants your love. I totally get that. I don't want my husband to be with me because he feels like he has to. I want him to be with me because he loves me.

Again with the tangents! LOL Back to the subject. Being judgmental. I have been thinking about this for weeks – maybe even months. Possibly even longer. I'm not sure. What I do know is that I am writing stream-of-consciousness right now, which is why I'm going all over the place. One thing makes me think of something else, and off I go. That's from whence the tangents come! ;-)

And now I'm hoping to remain on topic at least for a full paragraph. Although, I think I'm finding it difficult because this is a tough subject for me. This is something with which I've struggled and felt God dealing with me about for quite some time now. Writing about it is somewhat humbling. But, it's also somewhat therapeutic. It helps me process my thoughts, examine my feelings and the reasons behind them. And sometimes, it helps me better understand the lesson God is trying to teach me.

With that said, I really feel God has been dealing with me about being judgmental. I have somewhat recently come to the realization that I've spent much of my life being judgmental of others. Certain patterns of thought, more than anything, are what it's been. And much of it I hadn't before realized just how judgmental I had been. Some of it never even registered as judgmental, until now. Whenever I find myself reflecting on these thoughts I've had in the past and how I've gained a new understanding, Jesus' words come to mind:

¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ~ Matthew 7:1-3 (NIV)

That is so very true, and so very interesting. (And, no, I have never doubted Jesus' words. I just have a new understanding of them! ;-) ) And God does indeed have a sense of humor, if you can call it that. I dunno. Perhaps in this case that's not the right terminology. All I know is that everything I've ever been judgmental about has become something I have to deal with. I have plenty of examples, too. Don't worry!

• My weight ~ I remember thinking as a kid (or perhaps a teenager) that I would never be one of those moms. You know, the ones who don't lose the weight after having their kids. Well, there's a reason I don't share too many pictures of myself, and I'll just leave it to that. Yup. I've learned not to be judgmental about that.
• My housekeeping (or lack thereof) ~ I used to LOVE to keep my place clean. Then I had kids.
• Being cool ~ I vowed when I was in about junior high that I'd be a cool mom. One of the moms who listens to the current popular music and watches the same movies as my kids, etc. Um, yeah, so not happening. I've done my best to drown my kids in Christian music, and they all like it. But the day Abby comes home loving the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber is the day I'll be uncool in this regard!
• The animals ~ I swore I'd always think of my animals as my furry babies. Then I had real babies. And now, well, let's just say they don't always get the attention they got before the kids came along.

And many, many more things. I swear these are just a small glimpse of things – most of which aren't too serious, thankfully. But, believe me, there is so much more. And every time I find myself reflecting upon things that I once vowed would be one way (to avoid being like one or another person I came across), I shake my head. "If only I knew then what I know now." I sometimes chuckle to myself, and almost always feel like kicking myself.

Now, when I catch myself thinking along those lines. "Well, at least I'm not like her ..." or "That is so not gonna happen with my kids ..." or "At least I'm not that bad ..." or any number of things. I stop myself, ask God to forgive me for having such judgmental thoughts, and get those thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I have to do that several times. I have a new empathy for people, and (hopefully) a new humility. (Is saying I've learned how to better be humble the opposite of acting it?) God is teaching me, dealing with me. I'm trying my darnedest to make sure this lesson is one that sticks!

The Lessons We Learn

As I thought about what to title this post, The Lessons We Learn popped into my mind. I think this might end up being the first in a series, as Lord knows there are many lessons we learn in life – and I'm not talking academics, either! ;-) For now, though, I'll just share what's on my mind.

As you might or might not know, back in early September, I hurt my wrist. Badly. I couldn't type much, and that's when I fell out of the blogosphere for a while. I still have some pain and/or discomfort (depending on the day), and was told by my doctor that it could take up to 12 weeks to fully heal. (Darn those ligaments! ;-) ) Based on my tendency to overdo it at times, I wouldn't be surprised if it took even longer than that.

Anyway, in the course of learning to cope with an injured wrist, I learned a lot. A lot about myself, and a lot about how much I take having a whole, (mostly) healthy body for granted. And before I continue, let me state that I am left-handed, and had injured my right wrist. I think that's pertinent. Anyway, today, while getting dressed and doing laundry, I thought of a whole bunch of things that it just amazes me how much we (and I think it's safe to assume I'm not the only one here) tend to take for granted. So, I present to you my list.

Things I took for granted before hurting my wrist:

1. Tying my kids' shoes. It's very hard to get the angles and movements down right when you can't bend your wrist.


2. Doing my hair. I wear it up a lot. Putting my hair into a ponytail wasn't happening with just one hand!


3. Reading a book. Seriously! I know it sounds silly, but it's hard to hold the book the way I normally do without being able to bend at the wrist! Especially with paperback books!


4. Sleeping. I am not kidding. It was hard getting comfortable with a heavy brace on my arm – and being unable to bend that wrist the way I guess I normally do. (I had no idea I do that!)


5. Putting on my bra. It's next to impossible without being able to bend the wrist. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about! That back closure – um, yeah. Thank God I could get the hubby to help.


6. Cutting my children's food.


7. Driving. I didn't realize how much I drove one-handed, using my right hand! I ended up basically having to use my left hand while cradling my right arm in my lap. But, when it came time for turn signals, that was rough. The brace has a metal plate/bar thing inside that goes up the length of the underside of it. (That's the side that includes the palm of my hand.) It's next to impossible to grip anything when using the brace!


8. Sex. Sorry, but I'm not going to elaborate ... ;-)


9. Changing diapers. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, but still. A compromised – and largely useless – hand makes it a bit more challenging!


10. Getting dressed. Slightly less tricky than getting my boobs covered was pulling on the lower-body coverings ...


11. Doing laundry. Loading the washer/dryer wasn't so bad. Took extra long, though, with only one hand. (Both are front-loaders.) But, folding laundry was impossible. And, yes, now I am behind. Most stuff is clean, but not necessarily where it should be ...


12. Lots and lots of other things. This list could go on for days and days! LOL

It was amazing to me the things I took for granted. Absolutely amazing. I had no idea how much I actually do rely on my right hand, despite being left-handed! I do think that my ability to adapt pretty easily comes from being a lefty in a right-handed world. (It really is true – ask any lefty!) I am EXTREMELY grateful that it was my right wrist, and not the left one, though.

I am finally no longer wearing the brace. For a few weeks, I only had to wear the brace for sleeping. It was so nice to be mostly free! LOL I recently was told I can go without even overnight, and that has been awesome. Although, I have aggravated things a bit over the past couple of weeks, and elected to sleep with the brace again. I'm hoping and praying that this injury gets fully healed SOON, as I'm kinda tired of this!

The Ws (and H)

I know the who. Natalie. I know the what. Her third birthday. I know the where. Anywhere she is! ;-)What I'm not so sure about is the why – or the how. OK, yeah, I get the why, biologically speaking. But still, who said she could "grow up" so damn quickly? I know, God (which is what Abby would tell me), but still. I don't like it one bit! Why is the baby phase over before we know it? Why is it that we blink and it's gone? (The logical, not-so-sentimental side says that it's because if that phase was super long, we'd never have more than one child – or we'd die much younger than we do ... ;-) Clearly, it's not the logical side writing right now ...)And, HOW? HOW is it possible that she was born THREE YEARS ago? Talk about time flying by! I still remember much of my pregnancy with her quite vividly, as well as her birth and her as a newborn. Don't get me wrong, I am not a huge fan of the newborn phase. I love them small and snuggly, but I hate the helpless feeling when you just can't figure out what's bothering them ... Anyway, clearly, it's the cute, cuddly stuff I'm waxing poetic right now! ;-) I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that my precious, sweet (SUPER surprise) baby girl is THREE YEARS OLD! Knock me over with a feather!

Yes, I said surprised. Nothing about my final pregnancy was planned. I was still nursing Grant when I found out I was pregnant again. He was 13 months old. From sometime during his first year I knew instinctively (mother's intuition – or divine advanced warning – you decide) that our next baby was going to be born in October. I did not realize it meant the October after his first birthday ... Still, the pregnancy was a complete surprise – especially to Mr. Ham. On a very, very deep level, I knew I was pregnant before it was possible to get a positive pregnancy test. So, when I did get one, I wasn't all that surprised. And I definitely wasn't shocked – but he was. I was excited by the time I broke the news to him, because I had had some time to absorb the idea. I don't know when he got excited, but let's just say that it's all good now. We both love her to pieces. She is the absolute best surprise ever. God has been so good to us.

Still, it's hard to believe that was three years ago – or three years and nine months, if we're counting the pregnancy. Man, these kids grow up fast! (I don't currently have good Natalie pics on my computer, but I'll try to get one up soon.)

Well, it is late and I am EXHAUSTED! I was hoping to write more, but this will have to be it.

Thinking

I have noticed that there are times I tend to isolate myself from my friends. Not my family, because that's pretty much impossible. (It's hard to isolate yourself from people with whom you share a house!) But, my friends – especially my closest friends – are another story. I'm not entirely sure why I do this. I've thought about it, but I just don't know. In some ways, I would guess it's so I can be selfish – or maybe because I'm being selfish. If I'm isolating myself from them, then I can wallow in my own misery without feeling guilty. Until I realize I've basically cut off everyone who cares about me. It's not like I do it on purpose. I never realize I'm doing it until I suddenly realize that I haven't spoken to certain people in what feels like forever. Then I realize I'm doing it again. Yes. Again.

I wish I knew and understood why I do this. This is one of those many things that makes me think I should be in therapy. And, no, I don't think being in therapy is a bad – or even embarrassing – thing. I really think it can be very helpful and very good for someone who needs it. And I believe I'm one of those people. But, I haven't the slightest idea how to go about finding a good therapist. I have trust issues, so I can't just find a random person and talk to him/her about whatever's bothering me. I know they are bound by law to keep my secrets or refrain from sharing information I'd rather be kept private, but that doesn't help me in the trust department. Trust is a HUGE issue for me. Huge. (Just ask any of my close friends or Mr. Ham about it.) That's one of the things that makes my faith so unbelievable for me. I can trust God in just about anything. I know He'll pull through for me. I know He'll take care of me. But, He has proven himself again and again in my life. I KNOW – without the tiniest bit of doubt – that He is trustworthy.

After almost 12 years of marriage and more than 17 years together, my husband has proven himself trustworthy, too. It's taken me a LONG time to get to where I can honestly say I trust him completely, but I'm finally there. Satan keeps trying to make me doubt that, but so far I've been able to disallow his seeds of doubt to grow. He keeps inserting thoughts along the lines of "Things are too perfect. Something's gotta go wrong soon. This is the calm before the storm. Can you really trust him implicitly? How many women think they know their husbands, think they can trust them, only to find out he's been hiding something big?" I am trying desperately to keep these seeds from being planted. I'm trying hard to deflect every one of these. Mr. Ham has never given me a real reason to doubt him, and I refuse to do so. But, Satan keeps trying. He knows where I struggle, and he's trying to exploit that. I won't let him.

Anyway, I appear to be in a funk again, although I think my cycles affect that greater than I'd like them to. And, yes, this funk includes being reclusive. *sigh* For me, there's not much getting around that. It appears to be the way I'm wired.

I am at a loss as to the best way to end this, so I guess it's over now! ;-) Thanks for reading!

Tiny Update

Here I go again, ignoring this blog. I'm sorry. I have really, really overdone it with Proud Book Nerd. Too much to read in too little time. Then I added Blogmania to the mix, which I stupidly forgot to mention here. Sorry, friends! :-( On top of all of that, I've had sick kids, who decided to share their germs with me. I was VERY ill for a couple of days this week. And, the icing on the cake, I somehow (don't ask how, as I don't know how) managed to injure my right wrist. (Thank God I'm a lefty!) I've seen my chiro, who has found one of the little bones out of place. It has been popped back into place, and is healing. It feels MUCH better, but is still sore. I wear a brace on my wrist most of the time. I'm doing much better, but this situation makes typing a bit tough.

That's my excuse ...

Anyway, I'm hoping to get this blog in on a holiday giveaway (similar to Blogmania) in December. Something fun. I haven't heard back yet, though, as to my status. If not this, then the book blog, but I'd rather here. Share the love! ;-)

Me, personally, I'm overall OK, despite what I mentioned above. While sick, I missed two days of the Zoloft, then briefly considered never looking back. But I'm not ready for that yet. I have decided that I need therapy. Now I am overwhelmed by the task of trying to find a therapist. It is IMPERATIVE that this person is also a Christian. I have to have someone with similar beliefs to my own. That's not negotiable. Otherwise, I dunno. I think I'd prefer a woman, but I'm not entirely sure. Anyone with advice on finding a good therapist? I think I'm gonna call or e-mail my church and ask for referrals or recommendations, and go from there. Anyone with a better idea?

Why do I want therapy? Well, there's a lot on my mind. A lot more stress than I think I even let myself realize on a conscious level, if that makes any sense. Add to that, I have past stuff that just needs to get worked through. I don't remember a vast majority of my childhood, and what little I do remember is fuzzy. There has to be a reason for it. Based on what I do remember, I think I spent a large part of my childhood depressed. There was a lot of loss, much more than most kids have to deal with, and I took it hard. Perhaps there's more to the memory loss than I know, but that's the reason for therapy. It's like an infection under the skin. It's going to fester and affect me, whether I can see it or not. While the process is painful, it's best I get to the source of the issues I have in my life. Once I get to the junk beneath the surface, then true healing can occur. How can I give it all to God if I don't even know what it is I'm carrying? How can I forgive others, if the need is there, if I don't know what needs to be forgiven? I think this might also help with the whole weight-loss issue. And my self-esteem – or lack thereof.

And now my injured wrist is starting to ache. Better stop typing. Love to you all! I have some plans for this blog – the direction I want it to take. I just have to heal (the aforementioned wrist) and make time (the aforementioned book blog). While I have little control over the former, I'll do what I can about the latter!

Wherefore art thou, Balance?

Yes, yes, I know. In Romeo and Juliet, "wherefore art thou" actually means "why are you" and NOT "where are you" - my degree's in English, I KNOW that. I am taking artistic license and exploiting it for my own purposes.

And now we come to the point. I'm struggling to find a good balance to my life as of late. And that, my friends, is why I've been so silent lately. Life is beginning to get out of control, and the not-completely-essential/my-event things are what get put on hold. Example: Now that soccer is over with, Abby has started Girl Scouts. She's not doing it with the troop affiliated with her own school - that would've been WAY too easy. She's in her BFF's troop, which is in the next town over. So, every other Monday I have to pick her up at school, drive to the meeting (with the other two in tow, of course) to drop her off, go home or run errands for about 45 minutes (total, including driving time), then pick her up and come home for the night. Fortunately, the troop leader is her BFF's mom, someone I consider a trustworthy friend. (She's even our emergency contact for almost everything.) At least I don't have to worry at all about how it's going. I know she's in good hands.

In addition to Girl Scouts, I have started a part-time freelance editing gig. I am expected to work (from home) roughly 12 hours per week. I try to do it during nap time, but that's not going so well - the boy apparently is getting too old for naps. Most days, I don't get a nice, quiet afternoon during which to edit. Despite my best efforts to edit during the day, I usually end up working after the kids go to bed. This means most nights I'm up too late. This, in turn, means I spend most of my days exhausted. I have found myself allowing myself to drink a bit more Dr Pepper than I'd like to be. But, I consider it essential.

Aside from my blogging and other online activities (plus reading), the main - and most important - casualty has been getting back into shape. I haven't exercised regularly in a few weeks, simply for lack of time. (I had been doing it during my downtime, which now becomes either editing or housework time. I need my REAL downtime, though, so when those are done, I catch up on Facebook or read a book, rather than working out - which, to me, is more WORK.) I've been trying to at least continue eating better - or at least less. I've been doing OK with that. The weight isn't dropping off anymore, but at least it's not returning to where it was a few months ago. And I'm still able to wear my rings. So, for now, I've decided to just make sure that doesn't change. So long as I don't gain that weight back, I'm not gonna worry about it. The added responsibilities and duties associated with the holidays make it next to impossible for me to get my routine back. I guess I'll start with a resolution for the new year - better myself, meaning get back in shape.

On the very bright side, I have officially met my goal of reading 50 DIFFERENT books (not counting any I've read for the kiddos) this year! :-) I'm so proud of myself - especially knowing that two of those I EDITED, which means each of those was read through at least twice, and much more slowly and carefully than I normally would read. I am EXTREMELY proud of myself for this. I tried to do this last year, but didn't even get halfway to my goal. So, YAY me! ;-)

One week down ...

... three left to go. And I'm EXHAUSTED! But, I think - I hope - the hardest week is coming to an end. Spring break. Thanks to the hospitality of my parents, we were able to really have a nice week. We came to see them Wednesday afternoon, and will leave tomorrow after lunch. The time here has been great - time to hang out, stay out of each others' hair, time to be with family. The kids have thoroughly enjoyed getting to play with their cousins every day, and I have enjoyed getting to see my sister and my parents. (The only thing missing is my other sister, who lives on the East Coast.) Today we dyed Easter eggs with the kids. This was the first time any of my kids got to do it. Abby and Grant both really loved it. We had some leftover color tablets, which I will bring home and use in a couple of weeks. An easy thing to do to have more fun with the kiddos. Tomorrow we have our Easter celebration with family, including an egg hunt, then we head home after lunch. I have mixed feelings about that. It'll be so nice to be in my own home - not to be living out of a suitcase anymore. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, and get the kids back into their usual routine. But, I'm going to miss my family - and being home again. I also don't necessarily look forward to having to deal with the dog again. *sigh*

I do have to say that I think I'm much more homesick than I'd thought. In the past there have been things about coming home that I haven't liked - mainly the congestion. Too many people everywhere - too many cars on the roads. But, none of that bothered me this week. None of it. I just kept thinking how good it is to be home! And it really is. It breaks my heart to know that the chances of coming back permanently are slim to none. I truly think I'd be happier here. I'd be able to get back with most of my friends. Go to places I miss. And, best of all, see my family more often than a few times per year. *sigh* I just need to think about what it is that we have going well for us there that we likely wouldn't have here.

Things to like about where we live:

• I get to be a SAHM.
• We own a house. I don't think we'd be able to do that here - especially not without me working.
• We have EXCELLENT caregivers for our children and ourselves. Our pediatrician, for one, is someone I'd hate to have to try to replace. And, God forbid, if he ever chose to move on, we at least have a wonderful practice from which to choose a replacement. But, I banish such thoughts, as I really don't wanna see that happen. My doctors, our dentists, eye doctor. Everyone. They are all quality professionals who have good bedside manner, too. That bedside manner is what I'd miss. I know there are quality professionals here, too, but I never had such awesome bedside manner here.
• Lighter traffic.
• Many things that can't be found easily here usually aren't so hard to get where we live.
• The river.
• Cost of living is significantly lower.
• Our kids were born where we live.
• Car insurance is considerably cheaper - as is homeowner's insurance, I'm sure.
• We can live a slower, more relaxed lifestyle - and there's definitely something to be said for that.

Well, I'm feeling a ton better! :-) What a great idea that was! ;-)

As I mentioned before, my wonderful husband gets home three weeks from today. Believe me, I am counting down. I started counting down before he left! LOL I'm hoping that once we get back into our usual routine, I'll not be so tired and we'll be able to make it without much stress. And I'm rambling. Sorry. I'm exhausted beyond belief.