Thursday, October 7, 2010

Thinking

I have noticed that there are times I tend to isolate myself from my friends. Not my family, because that's pretty much impossible. (It's hard to isolate yourself from people with whom you share a house!) But, my friends – especially my closest friends – are another story. I'm not entirely sure why I do this. I've thought about it, but I just don't know. In some ways, I would guess it's so I can be selfish – or maybe because I'm being selfish. If I'm isolating myself from them, then I can wallow in my own misery without feeling guilty. Until I realize I've basically cut off everyone who cares about me. It's not like I do it on purpose. I never realize I'm doing it until I suddenly realize that I haven't spoken to certain people in what feels like forever. Then I realize I'm doing it again. Yes. Again.

I wish I knew and understood why I do this. This is one of those many things that makes me think I should be in therapy. And, no, I don't think being in therapy is a bad – or even embarrassing – thing. I really think it can be very helpful and very good for someone who needs it. And I believe I'm one of those people. But, I haven't the slightest idea how to go about finding a good therapist. I have trust issues, so I can't just find a random person and talk to him/her about whatever's bothering me. I know they are bound by law to keep my secrets or refrain from sharing information I'd rather be kept private, but that doesn't help me in the trust department. Trust is a HUGE issue for me. Huge. (Just ask any of my close friends or Mr. Ham about it.) That's one of the things that makes my faith so unbelievable for me. I can trust God in just about anything. I know He'll pull through for me. I know He'll take care of me. But, He has proven himself again and again in my life. I KNOW – without the tiniest bit of doubt – that He is trustworthy.

After almost 12 years of marriage and more than 17 years together, my husband has proven himself trustworthy, too. It's taken me a LONG time to get to where I can honestly say I trust him completely, but I'm finally there. Satan keeps trying to make me doubt that, but so far I've been able to disallow his seeds of doubt to grow. He keeps inserting thoughts along the lines of "Things are too perfect. Something's gotta go wrong soon. This is the calm before the storm. Can you really trust him implicitly? How many women think they know their husbands, think they can trust them, only to find out he's been hiding something big?" I am trying desperately to keep these seeds from being planted. I'm trying hard to deflect every one of these. Mr. Ham has never given me a real reason to doubt him, and I refuse to do so. But, Satan keeps trying. He knows where I struggle, and he's trying to exploit that. I won't let him.

Anyway, I appear to be in a funk again, although I think my cycles affect that greater than I'd like them to. And, yes, this funk includes being reclusive. *sigh* For me, there's not much getting around that. It appears to be the way I'm wired.

I am at a loss as to the best way to end this, so I guess it's over now! ;-) Thanks for reading!

6 comments:

Odie said...

Hey...

I just wanted to say that I've noticed you've been withdrawn and absent but I've been reluctant to reach out to you because I didn't want it to seem as though I was forcing you to interact when you didn't want to, etc. I've missed chatting with you but I do understand the process of going through difficult times, and having to pull oneself out of it can be extremely challenging.

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a therapist either. Just wondering in the meantime while you're still mulling it over if you've happened to read Joyce Meyer's book "Beauty for Ashes" yet? She goes right to the source of emotional wounds caused by other people and it's such a great read. Pretty short in length too, and extremely helpful. (continued)

Odie said...

....(continuing)

Please know that my not reaching out to you on a regular basis is not because I don't care or don't want to be bothered as this couldn't be farther from the truth. It's just that after 7 years I feel as though I know you quite well - I know you withdraw and hide when you're struggling and the last thing I want to do is force you out of your shell when you're feeling most vulnerable. That being said though, please know that I'm always here for you, and you can reach out to me at anytime if you decide you want to chat. <3

xoxo,
Chris

ham1299 said...

No, I haven't read that yet. I need to. The hardest thing is finding the time as of late.

ham1299 said...

This didn't start with the usual funk. I was really sick - violently - for about 36 hours in mid-September. At the same time I somehow injured my right wrist. It was EXCRUCIATINGLY painful. While it was healing, I've been online hardly a much as usual - unless it's less typing and more just clicking. (It's my right wrist, and I use a left-handed mouse.) Basically, one of the little bones in my wrist somehow got moved out of place. I'm still healing, but finally out of the brace (except for sleeping). I didn't post anything about it because of the pain with typing - and the concern over re-injuring it. Even now I'm unable to type for long because it gets sore and/or tired. Anyway, that's what started this one. *sigh*

You do know me well. :- ) Thanks! I know you care. No worries there.

Chris said...

Ah okay. Yeah, that did start off a bit differently. Different attack pattern it seems....maybe the "usual" that's always been thrown at you doesn't work as well anymore so he had to try something new. Lots of (((hugs)))! I'm glad to hear you're on the mend!

I know it's hard to find time to read; I run into the same problem. Just wanted to remind you of that suggestion because while everything I read was a comfort to me, this book got really deep and helped me understand alot about myself.

ham1299 said...

Perhaps it is a different approach for an attack. I hadn't thought of it that way. I've also really overdone it for the book blog, and I think there's been some burnout. *sigh* Just can't win.

I will get that book. Definitely will. Again, thank you! :)

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