Thursday, October 7, 2010

Thinking

I have noticed that there are times I tend to isolate myself from my friends. Not my family, because that's pretty much impossible. (It's hard to isolate yourself from people with whom you share a house!) But, my friends – especially my closest friends – are another story. I'm not entirely sure why I do this. I've thought about it, but I just don't know. In some ways, I would guess it's so I can be selfish – or maybe because I'm being selfish. If I'm isolating myself from them, then I can wallow in my own misery without feeling guilty. Until I realize I've basically cut off everyone who cares about me. It's not like I do it on purpose. I never realize I'm doing it until I suddenly realize that I haven't spoken to certain people in what feels like forever. Then I realize I'm doing it again. Yes. Again.

I wish I knew and understood why I do this. This is one of those many things that makes me think I should be in therapy. And, no, I don't think being in therapy is a bad – or even embarrassing – thing. I really think it can be very helpful and very good for someone who needs it. And I believe I'm one of those people. But, I haven't the slightest idea how to go about finding a good therapist. I have trust issues, so I can't just find a random person and talk to him/her about whatever's bothering me. I know they are bound by law to keep my secrets or refrain from sharing information I'd rather be kept private, but that doesn't help me in the trust department. Trust is a HUGE issue for me. Huge. (Just ask any of my close friends or Mr. Ham about it.) That's one of the things that makes my faith so unbelievable for me. I can trust God in just about anything. I know He'll pull through for me. I know He'll take care of me. But, He has proven himself again and again in my life. I KNOW – without the tiniest bit of doubt – that He is trustworthy.

After almost 12 years of marriage and more than 17 years together, my husband has proven himself trustworthy, too. It's taken me a LONG time to get to where I can honestly say I trust him completely, but I'm finally there. Satan keeps trying to make me doubt that, but so far I've been able to disallow his seeds of doubt to grow. He keeps inserting thoughts along the lines of "Things are too perfect. Something's gotta go wrong soon. This is the calm before the storm. Can you really trust him implicitly? How many women think they know their husbands, think they can trust them, only to find out he's been hiding something big?" I am trying desperately to keep these seeds from being planted. I'm trying hard to deflect every one of these. Mr. Ham has never given me a real reason to doubt him, and I refuse to do so. But, Satan keeps trying. He knows where I struggle, and he's trying to exploit that. I won't let him.

Anyway, I appear to be in a funk again, although I think my cycles affect that greater than I'd like them to. And, yes, this funk includes being reclusive. *sigh* For me, there's not much getting around that. It appears to be the way I'm wired.

I am at a loss as to the best way to end this, so I guess it's over now! ;-) Thanks for reading!
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