I know the who. Natalie. I know the what. Her third birthday. I know the where. Anywhere she is! ;-)What I'm not so sure about is the why – or the how. OK, yeah, I get the why, biologically speaking. But still, who said she could "grow up" so damn quickly? I know, God (which is what Abby would tell me), but still. I don't like it one bit! Why is the baby phase over before we know it? Why is it that we blink and it's gone? (The logical, not-so-sentimental side says that it's because if that phase was super long, we'd never have more than one child – or we'd die much younger than we do ... ;-) Clearly, it's not the logical side writing right now ...)And, HOW? HOW is it possible that she was born THREE YEARS ago? Talk about time flying by! I still remember much of my pregnancy with her quite vividly, as well as her birth and her as a newborn. Don't get me wrong, I am not a huge fan of the newborn phase. I love them small and snuggly, but I hate the helpless feeling when you just can't figure out what's bothering them ... Anyway, clearly, it's the cute, cuddly stuff I'm waxing poetic right now! ;-) I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that my precious, sweet (SUPER surprise) baby girl is THREE YEARS OLD! Knock me over with a feather!
Yes, I said surprised. Nothing about my final pregnancy was planned. I was still nursing Grant when I found out I was pregnant again. He was 13 months old. From sometime during his first year I knew instinctively (mother's intuition – or divine advanced warning – you decide) that our next baby was going to be born in October. I did not realize it meant the October after his first birthday ... Still, the pregnancy was a complete surprise – especially to Mr. Ham. On a very, very deep level, I knew I was pregnant before it was possible to get a positive pregnancy test. So, when I did get one, I wasn't all that surprised. And I definitely wasn't shocked – but he was. I was excited by the time I broke the news to him, because I had had some time to absorb the idea. I don't know when he got excited, but let's just say that it's all good now. We both love her to pieces. She is the absolute best surprise ever. God has been so good to us.
Still, it's hard to believe that was three years ago – or three years and nine months, if we're counting the pregnancy. Man, these kids grow up fast! (I don't currently have good Natalie pics on my computer, but I'll try to get one up soon.)
Well, it is late and I am EXHAUSTED! I was hoping to write more, but this will have to be it.
10 comments:
Happy Birthday to Natalie! I can't believe it's been 3 years. Where has the time gone? I look at my little guy and mourn the baby days I missed out on. Had I known he'd be my last I can't help but think that I'd have savored them a bit more if you will.
I know exactly what you mean! (((Hugs))) Even though he wasn't my last, I mourn those times with Grant. The PPD really stole his babyhood – especially the newborn days. :'(
(((hugs))) for you too!! I'm sorry you went through the same thing...it really is horrible. The PPD did the same for me too. I lost so many opportunities to really enjoy those days of baby snuggles, etc. :-( Maybe that's why I coddle him a little bit more than Adira...perhaps I'm trying to make up for it somehow. I guess I should concentrate on the fact that I got out of the PPD and be satisfied with that, but even so I can't help but mourn those lost days. *sigh*
I know exactly what you mean. It sucks. I think, for me at least, part of the struggle is forgiving myself. Not that I could have done anything differently – PPD probably would've hit regardless – but guilt still tries to settle in. Forgiving myself for all but rejecting him until the meds kicked in is a constant battle. (I did the bare minimum. Fed him, changed him, tended him when he needed me, but otherwise avoided him. Poor thing! :-( )
(((big hugs))) It really is hard to resist the guilt!!! I kwym about forgiveness - I know I need to because it's spiritually unhealthy to carry it. But it's really hard. When I first found out I was pregnant with him, I was happy. But I already had PPD from Adira, so I remember at some points during my PGy when DH and I would bump heads that I actually wished I wasn't pregnant. :( Not sure how to ever forgive myself for that! I know I wasn't in the right frame of mind, but even so, it's something I've never admitted to anyone until now. And then when he was born I loved him so much but felt so numb toward both the kids that I felt I was just going through the motions of taking care of them - feedings, changings, etc - that I was like a live-in babysitter. Oiy, how it messed me up for so long. I regret not seeing my midwife about it sooner. Waiting until Emil was 2 was a huge mistake!
I meant to ask, how were you when Natalie was born? DH and I keep talking about having another one, but I'll be honest with you - I'm scared the PPD will come back again. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm the happiest I've ever been and I'm not eager to do anything that will interrupt that, kwim?
(((Hugs))) Don't beat yourself up over it. I have to say I had no idea you and I pretty much experienced the same thing! (((Hugs)))
Well, when Grant was born, it was labeled a traumatic birth because of the 2 hours (and 1 minute, according to the nurse LOL) of pushing. And, it was very difficult. Plus, I went into it severely sleep deprived (because of Abby being sick). I think all of that played a part in what ended up as PPD. (The sleep was a HUGE factor, I am sure. I do NOT function well when I don't get enough sleep.) Natalie's birth, while more painful (because I hadn't basically passed out during it), was MUCH easier. The only reason I ended up pushing for about half an hour was because the contractions were so close together I could barely breathe! But, her birth was very easy, and she was the easiest baby. I think that played a big part, of course. But, also, I think I was just in a better place - plus, I was still on the Zoloft. But, statistics say that women who have boys (check) and give birth during winter (close enough for Grant - December 20) are significantly more likely to succumb to PPD.
Thanks - I appreciate it. I didn't realize how close our situations were either! (((Hugs)))
I never knew that about the extended pushing being a contributor to a traumatic birth experience! I pushed for 2 hours with Adira, which I guess says alot now that I know this. I'm glad that things were easier for you with her. (((hugs))) I wonder if the fact that Emil was born in the fall had something to do with it - I used to hate it when the fall would come (dread it even) so maybe that was a contributing factor.
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