Thursday, June 26, 2008

Frustrated

I'm frustrated beyond belief. And burned out. And tired. And lonely. And trying desperately not to slip into depression - b/c I know that if I do I'm on my own. I know my friends will say I'm not alone and I have them - but not one of them is someone I've met IRL. (Well, almost none - and definitely none of my absolute closest friends.) It's not the same thing as having someone who can hug me, be here with me, literally help me through this. No one. And, no, DH isn't availible for me.

Where's DH? At work. Again - or is it still? I don't know. I know it's not his fault. With the MAJOR flooding in Iowa, he needs to work. His job requires it. And, generally speaking, this isn't something that happens all the time. So, generally speaking, this isn't an issue. (He's still not 100% there for me, but that's another post for another day.) This royally sucks. More than I'd ever expected it to. Much more. He's been deployed to Louisiana twice now, and those were easier. They really were. Sure, I was 100% on my own 24/7, and it was more work overall. But, this is so much worse. I don't know from one day to the next whether he's working late - and if so just how late. So, I don't know if I absolutely HAVE to do it all on my own or if he'll be around to help. And, I'll be horribly - or perhaps embarrassingly - honest here. I can be - or perhaps just AM - a bit on the lazy side. (I hate that about myself, but here's yet another post for yet another day.) I don't WANT to do it all, so I don't if I know there's a chance that he'll be able to help me. I do what I absolutely HAVE to and save the rest for later - when either he can watch the kids so I can do it without interruption or he can do it. So, things get let go - for instance, a sippy cup ended up with NASTY mold in it. And the mold didn't come out in the dishwasher, despite a HIGH TEMP wash, rinse, and dry. (I was able to scrub it all out/off this afternoon. Although I'm still unsure as to whether I should just throw it out ...) That's not counting the laundry that gets done when we run out of something - typically shorts and/or PJs for at least one of the kids. Oh, yes, and there's a TON of clean clothes, but not a chance to put it away without DH around. (Most of it's the kids' stuff.)

Add to all of this that during these extended hours, there is little to no contact EVERY day - most days NONE, except to call when he's on his way home. The days he does call during the day he usually either wants something or is responding to an e-mail I sent him - or he's returning a call after I left a message. And this, my friends, is why I'm feeling so lonely and just blah. (Well, the blah is a combination of it all, but I hope I'm being clear.) I see him for maybe 5 minutes every morning before he zips out the door. Before all of this flooding, he'd come home for lunch a couple of times per week - now he doesn't, unless there's something going on. (Example: Abby's b-day party at preschool was in the morning, after which she had a parent-teacher conference. DH came home so I could attend both without the other two kids in tow.) And NO phone calls during the day. We hardly have any time to be together, talk, or whatever during the very brief moments we're home together. I've always known I'm not much of a priority to him, and this just hammers that home a little bit more.

To complicate matters, I have been having some minor aches and pains that I've considered seeing my doctor about. But, well, I'm not about to take all three kids to the doctor's office with me. I don't feel like I can make an appointment right now b/c it would be an inconvenience to DH.

OK. I'm exhausted. It's still an hour or so before he's expected home, but I've little to no energy left to continue this. (It's amazing the expenditure of energy when dealing with emotional issues - is that the depression?)
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