Friday, February 6, 2009

Wow. This is so me.

A lot has happened since my last post. A lot. And, amazingly, I'm doing OK. I'm on the verge of tears almost constantly, but I have amazing peace. I have decided NOT to walk away from my site after all. It's MY site. I built it from the ground up. Before I did this, we were just a buddy group that moved from one forum to the next - often because the site went paid. I did this so we - the group, not just I - could have a home. Our own domain. A place we wouldn't have to leave. A place we could always go to. Every time we had to move, we lost people. I didn't want that to happen anymore. I didn't want anyone to be left behind. Even if someone chooses to leave, they will always know where to find us. We're not going anywhere. And I am not going anywhere. It is my site. My e-baby. My blood, sweat, and tears. It is time away from my kids, my husband, my family. It is MY money that pays for the server. What was I thinking in wanting to go away? Well, I know - I wanted to keep the peace. I thought if I quietly disappeared, things would be OK. The person I've had a problem with can go on and enjoy the site - sometimes I think she needs the board more than I do. I suffered in silence for two years. I sucked it up and dealt with it. I tried not to let that stuff get to me. I guess it was just festering under the surface, though. Honestly, I don't even remember what caused this whole mess in the first place. I mean, I do remember the post. There was a post about kids' cartoons, and I felt she was being snarky - she felt I was being snarky. I think, honestly, I was just finally lashing out against what has been a long, hard problem for me. But, I don't know when it went from that to me saying I'm gone. Oh, I do know. My co-Admins and I decided to bring up the matter (in general terms) with our Staff. See what they thought. See if anyone else noticed me being picked on and bullied. The very first response to the question about this was in support of the individual in question. Something about that post made me feel like it was over. Forget it. If no one else saw what I did, no one would support me. No one would care how this person made me feel. So, I decided to leave. I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I KNEW that this issue was going to be explosive if I didn't. It exploded anyway. I'm going to spare the details, as it's really no one's business. But, I'm torn up. I'm so sad and so exhausted and so - I don't know how to say what I'm feeling.

I was afraid this would look like a personal vendetta. It's NOT. Despite my feeling bullied by this individual, I didn't want to see her get hurt. I didn't want to see her lose something that I know she needs. I am as torn up over this whole thing as anyone else involved.

Anyway, I have been starting to feel better. More at peace. More accepting of the way things are playing out. I can only control me. I cannot control someone's reaction or emotions. I cannot force someone to see things from my perspective. I can just pray - and hope God shows one of us something we hadn't seen before. So, that's what I'll do.

That said, now I get to the point - or at least the explanation of the title of this post! LOL DH and I took the kiddos out to Chili's for dinner tonight. We had a gift card to use, and he didn't feel like cooking. I can respect that - plus, we love Chili's. On the way there, we were listening to KLOVE. There were some good songs, but the best came on shortly before we got there.

I have loved this song ever since I first heard it - and it's in my playlist thingy toward the bottom of this page. (If you wanna listen to it here, make sure to pause the playlist thingy first.) As I listened tonight, I heard it anew. I heard it in a way I'd never heard it before. I knew it was for me. I knew it WAS me - no, not was, rather IS me. Every single word to this song rings true. Every single word. I am going to give in and let God do His thing. I thank Him for this song, as it has ministered to me in a way I've not experienced for quite some time.

And after you listen to this, scroll down and listen to the song Strong Tower by Kutless. That's the other song that really reaches me right now.
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